EUROVISION IS FAST approaching which means it’s time we analysed each offering from our European neighbours and decide which are good are which shall be receiving nil points.

1. Poland – Light Me Up (Gromee feat. Lukas Meijer)

So it’s not the lovely butter churning ladies of 2014. In fact Poland have gone down a different road entirely with this Kygo-esque tune. In typical Eurovision style the video is happy and full of skateboarding rather than the incredibly oppressive Polish government that’s currently in power. That’s much harder to make into a light hearted Eurovision entry.

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2. Albania – Mall – Eugent Bushpepa

Unfortunately I don’t speak Albanian but from what I can gather, Eugent here is singing about his other half in this incredibly emotional song with dramatic violins. It’s in black and white too which makes it extra emotional. The dancing does remind me of that Sanex ad though.

3. Armenia – Qami – Sevak Khanagyan

It’s the first song to ever be sung entirely in Armenian in the history of Eurovision which is some feat. Despite having no idea what he’s singing about ‘Qami’ is quite powerful and that sweet, sweet electric guitar towards the end is guaranteed to have you swaying with your lighter at home on May 12th.

4. Georgia – For You – Ethno-Jazz Band Irio

This year Georgia have made a bold choice and sent the Georgian version of Il Divo to represent them. Coupled with a total of one beard and one synthesizer, Georgia have sent the equivalent of your da’s midlife crisis in song form. Next.

5. Azerbaijan – X My Heart – Aisel

At first glance it may appear that this song is called ‘X My Heart’ but actually it’s ‘Cross My Heart’. Aisel also declares herself ‘stronger than a cannonball’ and ‘tailored from the stars’ which it’s nice. It’s nice to see Azerbaijan is backing itself.

6. Czech Republic – Lie to Me – Mikolas Josef

The Czech Republic have gone down the Jason Derulo path with their version of ‘Talk Dirty to Me’ which includes the line ‘But steady plenty motherf**kers wanna eat my spaghetti’. I’ll never look at spagetti in the same way again. At one point a camel appears, for no reason to accompany the line ‘you set my camel in the mood’. What a song.

7. Norway – That’s How You Write A Song – Alexander Ryback

The winner of Eurovision 2009 is back and this time he’s gone meta explaining how to write a song. It’s sort of a Eurovision version of ‘Happy’ but way less annoying. Also how has Alexander not aged in 9 years? What’s his secret? What do they eat in Norway? Definitely not as catchy as ‘Fairytale’ but he does at least have the violin.

8. Switzerland – Stones – ZiBBZ

There seems to be an odd obsession with cannonballs in this year’s Eurovision which Switzerland wanting to set fire to them. The Swiss seem to suggest that ‘being different is the enemy. that’s the way it’s been for centuries’ which seems a bit defeatist, She doesn’t want to throw stones either. This song is all over the place.

9. France – Mercy – Madame Monsieur

The song is actually based around the refugee crisis and inspired by a young Nigerian refugee who was born in a rescue boat  and was found later in an Italian refugee camp. It’s very powerful with people walking around in lifejackets and emergency blankets. It’s in French so non-French speakers will struggle but even if you don’t understand it, it’s a beautiful song.

10. Cyprus – Fuego – Eleni Foureira

Cyprus have sent Eleni Foureira who is like half Shakira half Beyoncé with her exceptional dancing and no nonsense deep looks to camera. The song itself is a bit forgettable but she might just hypnotise everyone with her incredible eyes.

11. Lithuania – When We’re Old – Ieva Zasimauskaité

Lithuania have gone down the ‘look how cute old couples are’ which while incredibly heartwarming isn’t exactly the Eurovision we know and love. Bring back the glitter and less of these lovey-dovey ballads please.

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