(Niall Carson/PA Wire)

1. You were wearing your blue jumper

YouTube/MurrayCathal1

This is a handy phrase for jogging anyone’s memory. Throw in an old ‘you were wearing your blue jumper’ and you’ll both be on the same page.

2. That money was just resting in my account

TedsTees.com

This will get you out of any financial bind. It’s a rock solid alibi.

3. Don’t they all have lovely bottoms

YouTube/AlexDeLarge103

This is one of the greatest compliments you can pay to any living human. To have a ‘lovely bottom’ is a fine accomplishment.

4. Down with that sort of thing (Careful now)

It’s not a protest until there’s a ‘Down with that sort of thing sign’, with a ‘careful now’ tacked on to the end.

With some Polish riot police at Euro 2012 (David Pearson/Duncan Hull/Flickr)

(EricTheFish/Flickr/Creative Commons)

5.  That’s mad Ted

Here are some situations where saying ‘that’s mad Ted’ would be appropriate…

Mohamed al-Fayed with Shane Lynch from Boyzone and two parrots:

That’s mad Ted. (FIONA HANSON/PA Archive/Press Association Images)

This dog photobombing Glen Hansard:

That’s mad Ted. (Niall Carson/PA Archive/Press Association Images)

The pope in a sombrero:

That’s mad Ted. (Eduardo Verdugo/AP/Press Association Images)

6. These are small, but the ones out there are far away

Probably the best description of perspective ever.

YouTube/FatherTedChannel

Small. (Shutterstock)

Far away. (Flickr/CreativeCommons/USFWS)

7. Go on, go on, go on, go on

Everyone knows that when you are offered something in Ireland, particularly food or a beverage, you must first refuse out of politeness. The food/beverage will then be offered again, often in the style of Mrs Doyle:

YouTube/BazzartOfOUT

8. Drink, feck, arse, girls

No impression of an old man is complete without a few rounds of “drink, feck, arse, girls” (you can also throw in a few “knickers” and “feckin’ birds”).

YouTube/ReTechSocial

9. Is there anything to be said for saying another mass?

When in doubt, say another mass.

YouTube/PamelaMCurtis

(Coybig.ie/Ellenor Lehane)

Thanks for reading. You all have lovely bottoms.

And don’t forget, never kick Bishop Brennan up the arse:

YouTube/Channel4

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