WITH CAO OFFERS out today, it’s time to let future college students know what they’re in for.
1. You will rarely go to your morning lecture looking human
And hey, that’s OK. At least you went. Just sit at the back and scroll through Facebook, all while depositing those sweet attendance credits.
2. Always check if the notes are on Moodle
Moodle is an online resource you can log into at any time, and therefore skip lectures and that whole ‘attentive note taking’ lark.
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3. Do things you want to do on campus instead
Want to go into journalism? Write for the paper. Want to go into business? Start selling something. Want to get a beer gut? Head to the SU bar.
4. Literally nobody you talk to during Fresher’s Week will be a longtime friend
Be honest, it was a convenience fling. Don’t think you’re doomed to a college life of bad friends.
5. Societies will attempt to lure you in with free stuff
And you should sign up to each and every one of them. You don’t actually have to go to those juggle soc meets, but you get pizza vouchers and a pen you will use exclusively for the rest of your college career.
6. Go to literally any event with free food or wine
Pizza and wine is given out at college events more than the shift is given out at the Fresher’s Ball so get along to them and save on the food expenses. You’ll look like a social butterfly, but really, you’re just a hunga.
7. Get familiar with the cheapest food in the vicinity
Stock up on coffee and beige food such as pasta and rice, locate your nearest Lidl, drink bier d’or from Tesco.
8. Don’t get started on essays early
It’s a waste of time. You’ll get all you need to get done in the last 24 hours before the deadline date.
9. The hardest part of all coursework is the referencing
Seriously. Get familiar with it, quick. If all else fails, use an online generator.
10. Never host a party, just attend
Sure, you’ll be briefly labelled as a leeching dryshite but is that REALLY any worse than losing your deposit or discovering a puddle of dried vomit under your bed, weeks later?
11. Use your lecturer’s office hours every now and again
At least when you come pleading for an extension, they’ll know who you are.
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12. Do your bit in group projects
No one likes THAT guy.
13. Don’t ask twenty thousand questions
Seriously, it’s coming to the end of the lecture and you’re keeping everyone there for an extra hour. See if you can discover the sixteenth answer yourself, if not, ask them at the beginning of the next.
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14. Don’t leg it home every weekend
Some good stuff happens around campus at the weekend, and you’ll get some guilt-free partying in. Also, learn how to cook without running home to mammy.
15. Have some semblance of cleanliness
Your flatmates will thank you for it, and you never know when you might need to be impressing someone.
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