Teach your kids to never give up and then see what happens when you take them to a toy store. Haha, you lose again.

— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) August 3, 2014

My toddler made me a special gift with his handprint. He made it using spaghetti sauce and the shirt I was wearing.

— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) October 22, 2014

I just asked my 8yo to quit yelling and he said, "I'm NOT yelling. This is my voice and all my life I've been whispering. Now I'm free!"

— JennyPentland, GED (@JennyPentland) December 21, 2013

The late baby feed is so much fun; no one else is around to see all the hairstyles you're giving him with your own hair #sidefringe #logbob

— Amy Huberman (@amyhuberman) April 26, 2015

*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
"Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it's done toasting?"

— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) September 14, 2014

Was arguing with my 2 y/o for 30 minutes about why he needs to wear his pants and now we're both sitting in our underwear eating donuts

— paperwash© (@PaperWash) October 13, 2013

For Halloween, I'm going to go as "someone well rested."

— Melissa Sher (@thismelissasher) October 24, 2014

My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today "what poison would kill someone the fastest?" and now I'm wondering if I've underestimated her.

— Gloria Fallon (@GloriaFallon123) December 24, 2013

Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old's lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.

— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) April 15, 2013

Please donate to my cause, Pooing in Peace. The money goes to a lock on my bathroom door and child-sized shackles.

— Sarah Thyre (@SarahThyre) October 26, 2014

2-year-old: Why doesn’t my little sister talk?

Me: She’s just a baby.

2: Is she lazy?

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 19, 2014