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IRISH DELI COUNTERS can be places of joy, and places of bleak hopelessness.
We’ve attempted to save you some trouble by ranking the items you can buy this lunchtime from horror to holy. You’re welcome.
11. Pre-made paninis and baps
Delis, can you not? We know you’re trying to get all artisan, but they just look so sad. Sad, like they were made a week ago and forgotten about and need a blast of the mic to bring them back to life. Pass.
The sandwich filling side of the deli counter is to be avoided where possible. Think skins forming in unwanted areas, clingfilmed at night, bits falling into other bits. Like do you really want to bite into that crusty egg mayo sandwich to find a bit of stray tuna lurking among it? No, you don’t.
9. Potato cubes
Oh potato cubes, what even are you? You’re like unfinished wedges, and we don’t need you in our lives. Under what circumstances would anyone purchase these? In the bin with you.
mccainusafoodservice
mccainusafoodservice
8. Jambons
Maybe acceptable if you’re scaldy as hell from the night before, but please don’t be seen eating one in the light of day. What is it about the jambon that’s so upsetting? Is it the texture-lottery that it comes with? The plastic cheese and ham filling? The fact that it looks like someone crumpled it into a little ball before giving it to you? All of the above.
The mysterious pasty has its benefits. First off, it’s a rare enough deli find. Secondly, it potentially has a good filling, and lastly, the pastry tends to keep a lot better than its hot counter compatriots.
We’re getting to acceptable territory now. Wedges are only so low down because they’re massively hit and miss. You’ve got to strike at the perfect wedge time, which is probably just after the lunch restock. Anything before that, and you’re getting yesterdays. Anything after that, and they’re soggy, mushy, and taste like sadness.
If you need a little pick-me-up but don’t want to do the whole chicken roll thing, those excellent delis that do popcorn chicken are golden. Just don’t smoother them in garlic sauce like this woman.
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4. The sausage roll
While deeply satisfying, the big sausage roll is a lot less satisfying than the small ones so we’re putting a clause in this sausage roll entry as a result. They’re also the most portable and simple deli pastry to transport, making them the perfect gift for your seedy mates.
3. Sausage bap
The sausage bap is bordering on pornographic. A soft floury bap, doused in ketchup, and carefully layered with greasy hot sausages. I imagine if you sent this to the G20 summit it could literally solve all the world’s problems singlehandedly.
Arguably one of the best food items to come out of Ireland in general, nevermind our delis. Little in life is as pleasurable than replying to the holy trilogy of questions:
The holy grail of all deli items. Nothing beats the satisfaction of watching the deli staff piling a whole fry into a white baguette and smothering it in sauce. When you walk out of that shop with the tubular paper wrapping caressing your skin, destined to be opened and stuffed in your gob in mere moments–you just know everything is gonna be OK.
This list is final. You can leave your opinion in the comments but no further correspondence regarding the weighing of this list will be entered into for legal and logisitical reasons. Thanks.
Monday 23 December, 2024
Monday 23 December, 2024
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An important and definitive ranking of things you can get at an Irish deli
IRISH DELI COUNTERS can be places of joy, and places of bleak hopelessness.
We’ve attempted to save you some trouble by ranking the items you can buy this lunchtime from horror to holy. You’re welcome.
11. Pre-made paninis and baps
Delis, can you not? We know you’re trying to get all artisan, but they just look so sad. Sad, like they were made a week ago and forgotten about and need a blast of the mic to bring them back to life. Pass.
10. Sandwich fillings
The sandwich filling side of the deli counter is to be avoided where possible. Think skins forming in unwanted areas, clingfilmed at night, bits falling into other bits. Like do you really want to bite into that crusty egg mayo sandwich to find a bit of stray tuna lurking among it? No, you don’t.
9. Potato cubes
Oh potato cubes, what even are you? You’re like unfinished wedges, and we don’t need you in our lives. Under what circumstances would anyone purchase these? In the bin with you.
8. Jambons
Maybe acceptable if you’re scaldy as hell from the night before, but please don’t be seen eating one in the light of day. What is it about the jambon that’s so upsetting? Is it the texture-lottery that it comes with? The plastic cheese and ham filling? The fact that it looks like someone crumpled it into a little ball before giving it to you? All of the above.
7. Mysterious pasty
The mysterious pasty has its benefits. First off, it’s a rare enough deli find. Secondly, it potentially has a good filling, and lastly, the pastry tends to keep a lot better than its hot counter compatriots.
Underrated, tbh.
6. Wedges
We’re getting to acceptable territory now. Wedges are only so low down because they’re massively hit and miss. You’ve got to strike at the perfect wedge time, which is probably just after the lunch restock. Anything before that, and you’re getting yesterdays. Anything after that, and they’re soggy, mushy, and taste like sadness.
5. Popcorn chicken
If you need a little pick-me-up but don’t want to do the whole chicken roll thing, those excellent delis that do popcorn chicken are golden. Just don’t smoother them in garlic sauce like this woman.
Whoops!
We couldn't find this Tweet
4. The sausage roll
While deeply satisfying, the big sausage roll is a lot less satisfying than the small ones so we’re putting a clause in this sausage roll entry as a result. They’re also the most portable and simple deli pastry to transport, making them the perfect gift for your seedy mates.
3. Sausage bap
The sausage bap is bordering on pornographic. A soft floury bap, doused in ketchup, and carefully layered with greasy hot sausages. I imagine if you sent this to the G20 summit it could literally solve all the world’s problems singlehandedly.
2. Chicken fillet roll
Arguably one of the best food items to come out of Ireland in general, nevermind our delis. Little in life is as pleasurable than replying to the holy trilogy of questions:
1. Breakfast roll
The holy grail of all deli items. Nothing beats the satisfaction of watching the deli staff piling a whole fry into a white baguette and smothering it in sauce. When you walk out of that shop with the tubular paper wrapping caressing your skin, destined to be opened and stuffed in your gob in mere moments–you just know everything is gonna be OK.
This list is final. You can leave your opinion in the comments but no further correspondence regarding the weighing of this list will be entered into for legal and logisitical reasons. Thanks.
ht PrayForPatrick
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