1. For some, tan is a special occasion thing. For you, tan is life
2. Thursday night is ‘tan night’, where you apply in preparation for the weekend ahead and leave it to develop while you sleep
3. You have a specific garment (an old nightdress, say) that you wear after you apply said tan
4. Actual picture of you going into work after Thursday tan night:
5. You tell everyone you meet that you “still have to shower, I won’t be this orange after”. Just in case they think you want to be that colour
5. There’s nothing worse than thinking you’ve done a great job only to wake up patchy and/or streaky. Nothing
7. You’ve had long, detailed conversations about tan, from the benefits of mousse over spray to your favourite tanning mitts
8. You love the look of Sally Hansen, but this is a risk you’re rarely willing to take in this climate:
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9. You don’t like to think about the fetching shade of green your mitt has turned with use. As long as your body isn’t green, it’s fine
10. Your tanning mitt ripping in the middle of application is the ultimate betrayal
11. But would the shops have one when you’re in dire need? Of course not
12. So you have used a sock in place of a real one. And it worked, too
13. You’ve experienced the unique frustration of buying (and unwittingly applying) glittery tan. NO ONE ASKED FOR YOU, GLITTERY TAN
14. You’ve also experienced the frustration of seeing that your face is a completely different colour to your body in photographs. The flash betrays everything
15. You see girls complaining about their white bedsheets being ruined with tan, and you think “Rookie mistake”
16. But no matter your experience with the stuff, you’ll never be able to avoid having manky wrists and ankles when it starts to come off:
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17. You’ve come out of the shower red raw from trying to scrub the tan off, yet it STILL clings on
18. Yet you know what happens if you don’t scrub it off. Yes. Scaly lizard skin
19. So you’ll deal with being half your regular skin tone, half slightly yellow
20. You’ve gotten used to the smell. Your family, friends and significant other have not, and that’s their problem, TBH
21. Sometimes, doing your tan seems like so much of an effort that you consider giving it up and embracing the milk bottle
22. But then you remember how great you look with a bit of a colour, and you’re back at it again. A slave to the tan
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