AS DISNEY CELEBRATES its 90th birthday, spare a thought for the Irish kids who never got the opportunity to go to the magical theme park and had to make do with what we’ve got here at home.
Anyway, the more we think about it, Disneyland, frankly, was for wusses.
Here’s what we dealt with instead.
1. Pirate Ships
Captain Hooks’ ship looked impressive, sure, but it really had no fear involved, like a real pirate ship.
It wasn’t a patch on Clara Lara’s wooden ship that was always occupied by another group of kids that wouldn’t let you play on it. The battles than ensued made us the adults we are today.
2. Pageants
Parades are DULL. You just stand there watching things go by.
Why not get involved? It was the highest achievement in all the land to win the coveted title of Bonny Baby at Mosney, and later in life, the talent show.
For the grown ups, there was the Lovely legs competition. Can’t bate it.
4. Horseys
Disneyland may have had horse-drawn streetcars, but as Irish kids, we saw horses pulling around carts every day. Play a new tune.
Mosney had The Derby. The most thrilling of events, as you’d feel like a proper gambling adult. It was all fun and games until your horse jittered to a stop for no explainable reason, losing you two valuable tokens.
5. Food and dining
We really didn’t want to eat here anyway.
Irish kids had their packed sandwiches, fish and chips and a candy floss to attract the bees in Courtown.
6. Pools
Disney pools looked like they had too much going on in them. Compensating, much?
In the better days of jumping into the pool without warning, Mosney and Trabolgan were a joy to behold. There were even waves, like in the actual sea. Do Disney have waves? Well, probably.
7. Rides
There's too much choice in Disneyland, and queues, queues are the worst thing in the world as an impatient child.
We weren't opposed to the odd rollercoaster that can be packed up and driven away, and we're all the better for it today.
If Space Mountain and Indiana Jones are scary, try walking across Clara Lara's balance log, Tarzan-swinging across the pond, or climbing this net of terror.
Lets not forget the 'wooden thing in the middle of the lake'. Our Everest.
8. Water slides
Kids on splash mountain are more concerned with getting their photo taken on this wimpy ride.
You haven't known real fear until someone has pushed you down the water slides in Fort Lucan or Clara Lara because you were hesitating too much.
We're not even going to mention Rainbow Rapids, we just couldn't hack it.
Source: Flickr/SebastianDooris
9. Crazy golf
Irish golf actually got crazy. It's called mini golf in the states for a reason. With flying luminous balls and golf club duels everywhere, Pirate's Cove and Fort Lucan kids required helmets.
That's hardcore.
10. Tunnels
Disney's tunnels are all 'regulated' and 'safe' and you're taken through on 'rollercoasters'.
They will never know the darkened uncertainty that comes after releasing yourself down the squeaky, sticky slide only to get stuck in the bend. You force yourself down, usually landing in a pit of disarray, an inhabitable environment of plastic balls.
How will you know if someone is under you? Those are just the cards life has dealt.
11. Mascots
Mickey, Woody, whatever. We've seen them on screen, stop suffocating us.
Irish kids had Captain Croc in Trabolgan (now Florrie the Fox) and now they've got Tayto man in Tayto Park. Has Mickey Mouse given us the tastiest crisps in all the land? No. No he hasn't.
Now that deserves a hug.
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