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Dublin: 15 °C Saturday 23 November, 2024

11 reasons Mosney and Rainbow Rapids were better than Disneyland

Irish kids didn’t need Mickey Mouse.

AS DISNEY CELEBRATES its 90th birthday, spare a thought for the Irish kids who never got the opportunity to go to the magical theme park and had to make do with what we’ve got here at home.

Anyway, the more we think about it, Disneyland, frankly, was for wusses.

Here’s what we dealt with instead.

1. Pirate Ships

Captain Hooks’ ship looked impressive, sure, but it really had no fear involved, like a real pirate ship.

Captain Hook's Pirate Ship - Disneyland Paris Paul Beattie Paul Beattie

It wasn’t a patch on Clara Lara’s wooden ship that was always occupied by another group of kids that wouldn’t let you play on it. The battles than ensued made us the adults we are today.

pirateship1 Glenmalure Glenmalure

2. Pageants

Parades are DULL. You just stand there watching things go by.

Disneyland Parade Myrna Litt Myrna Litt

Why not get involved? It was the highest achievement in all the land to win the coveted title of Bonny Baby at Mosney, and later in life, the talent show.

For the grown ups, there was the Lovely legs competition. Can’t bate it.

MosneyMemories

4. Horseys

Disneyland may have had horse-drawn streetcars, but as Irish kids, we saw horses pulling around carts every day. Play a new tune.

Horse-Drawn Streetcar Loren Javier Loren Javier

Mosney had The Derby. The most thrilling of events, as you’d feel like a proper gambling adult. It was all fun and games until your horse jittered to a stop for no explainable reason, losing you two valuable tokens.

derby

5. Food and dining

We really didn’t want to eat here anyway.

Blue Lagoon Restaurant Loren Javier Loren Javier

Irish kids had their packed sandwiches, fish and chips and a candy floss to attract the bees in Courtown.

mosneyhall1

6. Pools

Disney pools looked like they had too much going on in them. Compensating, much?

The view from our room at the Disneyland Hotel Loren Javier Loren Javier

In the better days of jumping into the pool without warning, Mosney and Trabolgan were a joy to behold. There were even waves, like in the actual sea. Do Disney have waves? Well, probably.

mosneyhall3

trabolganpool

7. Rides

There's too much choice in Disneyland, and queues, queues are the worst thing in the world as an impatient child.

We weren't opposed to the odd rollercoaster that can be packed up and driven away, and we're all the better for it today.

Mini Wheel Ride Butlinsmemories / Peter138 Butlinsmemories / Peter138 / Peter138

If Space Mountain and Indiana Jones are scary, try walking across Clara Lara's balance log, Tarzan-swinging across the pond, or climbing this net of terror.

clara4 Youtube / jibhoy6 Youtube / jibhoy6 / jibhoy6

Lets not forget the 'wooden thing in the middle of the lake'. Our Everest.

clara5 Youtube / jibhoy6 Youtube / jibhoy6 / jibhoy6

8. Water slides

Kids on splash mountain are more concerned with getting their photo taken on this wimpy ride.

splash_mountain92 Rapgenius Rapgenius

You haven't known real fear until someone has pushed you down the water slides in Fort Lucan or Clara Lara because you were hesitating too much.

fortlucan2

We're not even going to mention Rainbow Rapids, we just couldn't hack it.

9. Crazy golf

Irish golf actually got crazy. It's called mini golf in the states for a reason. With flying luminous balls and golf club duels everywhere, Pirate's Cove and Fort Lucan kids required helmets.

That's hardcore.

fortlucan3

10. Tunnels

Disney's tunnels are all 'regulated' and 'safe' and you're taken through on 'rollercoasters'.

Into the Tunnel cogdogblog cogdogblog

They will never know the darkened uncertainty that comes after releasing yourself down the squeaky, sticky slide only to get stuck in the bend. You force yourself down, usually landing in a pit of disarray, an inhabitable environment of plastic balls.

How will you know if someone is under you? Those are just the cards life has dealt.

funcaves121 Piratescove Piratescove

11. Mascots

Mickey, Woody, whatever. We've seen them on screen, stop suffocating us.

Disneyland Christmas 2008 coconut wireless coconut wireless

Irish kids had Captain Croc in Trabolgan (now Florrie the Fox) and now they've got Tayto man in Tayto Park. Has Mickey Mouse given us the tastiest crisps in all the land? No. No he hasn't.

Now that deserves a hug.

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