MEET THE SZCO Supplies Para Cord Wrapped Hunting Knife.

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It’s got a blade, a cord, and a built-in firestarter. And it also sparked this unimprovable Amazon review from a man named Jeffery Kruse.

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Here’s the transcription:

This knife arrived on my doorstep yesterday. I immediately knew it was something special as I could feel the box pulsating with pure power and adrenaline. I did not even have to open the box. Sensing my presence, the knife cut itself out of the box. Taking the knife into my hand, I could feel it leading me. I followed it deep into the wilderness where I slaughtered my first boar. I dragged the boar back to my house and prepared a feast for the entire neighborhood. The Men willingly gave their wives over to me for the night. With this knife, I truly feel like an immortal. Buy this knife, slaughter a boar, and sleep with the entire neighborhood.

Amazing. And as if immortality wasn’t enough, there’s also this exchange in the ‘Customer Q&A’ section:

Q: I am planning a trip to Mars in the spring, will this blade be sufficient to fight off any aliens I may encounter?
A: Yes, this knife will work just fine.

And they’re only $6.73 each! I’ve just ordered 16.

via Uproxx

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