WITH BRITAIN VOTING to leave the European Union, the continent has been thrown into uncertainty. But Dublin man Graham O’Malley has the answer.
He has outlined a very simple 12-point plan for sorting us all out, involving a giant pair of scissors, Nicola Sturgeon, Paul O’Connell, and Ireland looking like this:
The plan has been shared over 18,000 times on Facebook, so you know it’s a good one. Stick with it. You’ll see.
- We save up all our pocket money and buy a giant scissors. Like one at least 2km long.
- We take our scissors on the ferry over to Scotland as a gift for Nicola Sturgeon.
- Nicola, on the sly, starts severing the English/Scottish border with the scissors.
- If the English notice and start kicking up a fuss we send in some craic squads of Irish football fans to distract them with cans and a sing-song.
- We attach the now free-floating Scotland to Paul O’Connell, who has been patiently waiting off the west coast of Scotland.
- Paul tows Scotland to the top of our island and we swap it with the North (remember: we still have the scissors).
- We glue Scotland to the top of Ireland while Paul tows the North up past Buncrana towards Sligo, where we use more glue to attach it there.
- We *maybe* repeat the whole process with Wales, still on the fence about this one, might have to take a vote.
- Our newly formed country ‘The Celtic Isles’ remains in the EU.
- We win all the football forever and probably all the other sportsball too I guess.
- England has a big cry cos now it’s basically that kid no one invites to the party cos he’s kind of a d**k.
- The Isle of Man is like ‘Guys what’s going on lol’ but no one answers because seriously, f**k the Isle of Man, state of it.
Masterful. Graham’s confidence is just what the Celtic Isles need:
I don’t think there are any objective flaws in this plan and I spent nearly three minutes coming up with it so it’s probably rock solid.
Over 18,000 people can’t be wrong. Right… Where do you get a 2km long pair of scissors?
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