1. Christmas Eve is the one night of the year the barman’s call of ‘ARE YOU RIGHT THERE NOW FOLKS PLEASE?’ is heeded in any way at all

Because we all do actually have homes to go, and the barman does too. He only needs to roar it twice before people start to move.

Toners Pub Toners Pub

2. Holding in the mass giggles is a true Christmas test

Even if the altar girl doing the ‘bong’ at the wrong time is the funniest thing in the world, you have to stifle those lols.

@niamhlooby @niamhlooby

3. Midnight mass is now at 10pm

To stop everyone coming in locked from the pub, you see.

4. The rules of the biscuit tin are many and varied

Such as:

• you do not go down to the bottom layer of biscuit tins until the mother says it’s okay to do so 
• you can’t take more than more than two biscuits at a time and no two should be of the same of biscuit

5. “You’ve as many bags!” is likely to be the first greeting when you arrive ‘down home’ for ‘The Christmas’

Swiftly followed by “what are you doing buying all them presents?”

6. The Good Front Room comes into its own

But MIND the way you’re swinging that glass of wine around. And DON’T wipe your hands on that couch.

7. The minerals are likely to be stored in the Good Front Room

Two litres of Fanta, two litres of 7up, four litres of Coke, a bottle of ginger ale for the brandy.

If they’re not in the Good Front Room they’re probably in the garage.

8. The ceremonial opening of the box of Tayto means Christmas has truly arrived

Only a box will do. No paltry six packs here.

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9. After Eights are the height of sophistication

Horse 17 of them into you after dinner. Sophistication at its zenith.

modulor modulor

10. The shops only shut for a day, maybe two, but people shop like it’s going out of fashion

Have we enough rashers? Get another eight packs there, just in case.

I’ve 24 litres of milk, will that be enough?

CHRIST I FORGOT TO GET EXTRA SPUDS FOR ROASTIES!*

There are 9 stones of spuds in the shed.

11. People go out on St Stephen’sssssss night like they’re never going to be let out again

Time to celebrate the pubs being open again. Time for an awkward chat with the lad you shifted for a month in sixth year. Time to ring your dad at 3am for a lift home.

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