TODAY, STUDENTS ALL around the country received their Leaving Cert results. (If you’re one of them, congratulations!)
But we can’t help but feel that the Leaving Cert in its present incarnation doesn’t really prepare Irish people for being an adult and all that entails.
Here are some Leaving Cert subjects we actually need.
1. How to pass yourself with the people who have come to fix stuff in your house
Learning how to make small talk with the plumber and pretend like you have a notion what he’s doing would not go at all astray.
2. How to work the washing machine
How many youngsters are sent out into the world with not a notion how to use a washing machine? And how many Irish adults go through life not knowing all the different functions and always opting for a 40 degree wash just to be safe?
Two years of Washing Machine Studies would solve all our woes and reduce the washing load of Irish mothers.
Win win.
3. How to say goodbye on the phone in less than 10 seconds
Repeat after us: “Bye.”
Not, “Bye now, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, take care, bye, bye.”
4. How to properly tie a tie and not just kind of tie a vague knot
We’re looking at you, Irish men.
5. How to use chopsticks without making a fool of yourself
Think of all the poor Irish people that have struggled with using chopsticks and had to resort to asking for a knife and fork.
The shame, the mortification.
6. How to dress appropriately for the Irish climate
“Lads, repeat after me: just because it’s 14 degrees does not mean that you should walk around shirtless in public. And, girls, at least consider wearing a pair of tights if it’s below zero in January. You’ll catch pneumonia.”
7. How to make a phone call to the bank without putting it off for, oh, three weeks
Repeat after us: “I am a valued customer of [insert bank here] and they are not going to give out to me. Just bloody ring them.”
8. How to get over your fear of opening a champagne bottle
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A life skill that everyone should be taught, tbh.
9. How to adequately apply sun cream
And not end up like this poor unfortunate soul.
10. How to spell and pronounce Irish names
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Forget reading An Triail.
Irish people need to be taught how to pronounce (and spell) the likes of Meadhbh, Caoilfhionn and Labhaoise.
In order to prevent atrocities like this…
(That was supposed to be Bláthnaid.)
(h/t Richie McCormack for inspiring this post.)
10 people who REALLY aren’t being helpful about the Leaving Cert results >
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