LOCAL NIGHTCLUBS ARE only there so you don’t have to go to town. They all seem to be the same, but sure what choice have you?
1. The floor is constantly sticky
Local nightclubs do not entertain the idea of a mop. Little is known of the substances creating the adhesive, and for this, we are all better off.
2. It has had about 19 different names, and is constantly relaunching
The name almost always sounds like it was picked off the Periodic table or ripped off an old Apprentice team.
Fusion, Zinc, Eclipse, Pure, Genesis, Kinetic, Magna, Velocity… Team or nightclub?
3. It can be found beside an actual pub or part of a hotel
It’s a party in the back, business in the front.
4. Being a culchie is almost encouraged
You’re not allowed wear runners in a city nightclub, but go to your local and you get freebies in exchange.
5. The bar is always placed at the worst corner, and is impossible to get to
6. Shots taste suspiciously like syrup, and are served in little plastic shot glasses
7. The local laptop DJ has been playing the same set since forever
Don’t Stop Believin is on? We have an hour left.
8. The only superstar DJs that play are always just tributes
9. Is that vodka, or water?
10. The mixers are mank and always from a spray. A SINGLE SPRAY
11. All the furniture is circular
Sorry is this chair free? * Rolls across the dancefloor*
12. Look out for sort of dry ice fixture on the dancefloor
A list of times dry ice has enhanced any dancefloor:
13. The lighting always leaves a lot to be desired
It’s like they were designed using these:
14. There’s always a door deal
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