THE MASTERCHEF: THE Amateurs final is on BBC tonight.

Whoever bashes together the best veal jus with kumquat foam and elderflower crisps will be crowned king or queen of the kitchen.

Here’s why you’d never be able for it:

You don’t know what chard/panko breadcrumbs/borage are

You can’t make a quenelle

Your sauce scattering skills are lacking

Masterchef:

You: 

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You suck at jenga

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You’d worry constantly about the food getting cold

We can’t be the only ones thinking the grub must be freezing by the time it gets into Gregg Wallace’s gob?

You’d worry constantly about the chefs getting too full

If you’re the sixth person to serve up your dish, are they not already stuffed to the gills?

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The very idea of eating foam is preposterous

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You feel the same about “air”

You overestimate your cookery skills

You’d be distracted by Gregg Wallace inhaling the spoon

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“Blast freezer”. Isn’t that something from Superman?

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And you’d constantly be humming ‘Buttery Biscuit Base’

This is not uncommon in your kitchen

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