It’s almost time, so with no further ado, let’s meet the main characters.

Ian Ziering plays Fin (Geddit? Gas!). Before we go any further, we really should point out that Ian used to play Steve Sanders in Beverly Hills 90210.

Via Wikimedia Commons

Infinitely more importantly though, Ian’s name is pronounced Eye-an.

Alright Eye-an.

Tara Reid plays April, Eye-an’s estranged wife.

You might remember Tara from American Pie…

Or from this unfortunate wardrobe malfunction…

Nowadays she maintains a bizarre relationship with Jedward, and making a fool of herself on telly.

It’s time, it’s time!

Oh my giddy arse, it’s doing exactly what it says on the tin from the get go… sharks and a tornado.

The hashtag is #sharknado, by the way. Don’t forget to tweet us.

There’s a storm brewing while a business man negotiates a sale of a boatload of sharks.

The ship’s captain ominously says:

The sharks are the ones who should be afraid of us.

Oh you foolish, foolish man. You’re sure to be one of the first to go.

WE’VE HAD OUR FIRST SHARKNADO ATTACK!

We can’t be sure, but it would appear the businessman and the captain have been the first victims of Sharknado. That’s what they get for dodgy dealings.

Cut to Santa Monica, California.

Eye-an/Fin is hanging out on the beach (is that, is that an Australian accent he’s attempting) while Kevin McAllister’s dad downs a pint in a local bar.

A fetching young lady (Eye-an/Fin’s mot maybe) is working at the bar, and dismisses questions about a scar on her leg.

We’re not stupid though, we BET it’s shark-related.

There are sharks attacking Santa Monica pier!

Everyone, out of the water! Where’s Richard Dreyfuss when you need him?

We have confirmation on Eye-an/Fin’s accent.

He’s not Australian, but his mate (who’s been bitten by the attacking sharks) is. We know this because of the following joke:

Eye-an/Fin’s mate: They wanted a snack

Eye-an/Fin: They don’t like vegemite.

You guys! GAS!

First commercial break.

Thoughts so far:

• The sharks that attacked Santa Monica weren’t in a tornado, they were just in the water. Are they merely an omen of what’s to come?
• What the blazes was going on on that boat at the start?
• What happened to this guy?

Thoughts from Twitter:

Okay, we have the first hints of what’s in store.

Hurricane David is on the way to the area and it doesn’t look good.

Eye-an/Fin calls his estranged wife Tara Reid to warn her.

Kevin McAllister’s Dad is drunk.

Eye-an/Fin closes the bar (sure we’ll call it the Peach Pit for old time’s sake).

NOW YOU’RE TALKING!

Sharks are flying through the air. A ferris wheel has broken from its moorings.

Eye-an/Fin shoots a shark in the face, before calm descends once more.

He and his motley crew decide they must head to save Tara Reid and her daughter, before the storm gets any worse.

Nobody has really mentioned the flying sharks, except to note that they’re an unfortunate by-product of the storm.

THIS IS NOT NORMAL PEOPLE!

@LisaOree on Twitter suggests:

Now it’s time to spot the stock footage.

She’s got a point.

What we have here is a mixture of footage filmed entirely in a car wash, Discovery Channel stock shots of sharks in a tank, and special effects created with the help of MS Paint.

If you’re a bit shook after half-an-hour, here are some less terrifying friends from the sea to cheer you up…

Some more thoughts from Twitter:

Quick update on our heroes…

Eye-an/Fin, Nova the bar girl (who has her eye on Eye-an/Fin) and the “Australian” (the accent is CAT) have just watched Kevin McAllister’s dad come a cropper.

They appear to get over it quickly enough though. They truly are the most blasé people in the history of time.

Radio reports indicate that:

… sharks are swimming in the streets and falling from the sky.

They’ve arrived at April’s house.

She, her douche of a boyfriend, and Eye-an/Fin and April’s daughter Claudia (who is about 22 by the looks of things) seem oblivious to what’s going on, when suddenly…

Jason in the comments points out that Kevin McAllister’s da should have used his “trusty chair” against the shark.

Yes, that’s right, he left The Peach Pit with nothing but a chair to defend himself. He had had a few sherries we suppose.

Another commercial break. So let’s take stock.

We’ve now learned that:

• Eye-an and April have a son AND a daughter. April also has a wally boyfriend, but he appears to have been eaten.
• The da from Home Alone/George has also bought it, despite his trusty chair.
• April thinks Nova from the bar is a stripper. Nova is NOT a stripper.
• They need to move inland, the desert maybe.
• There has already been one period joke. Lame.

Here’s a pleasing GIF:

Eva in comments says:

Husband just says:  ”ridiculous! how’d the shark get into the house?’ Cos that’s the most unbelievable thing about this movie…”

We’re with you Eva. We’re with you.

Our heroes are on the move again, and in the middle of everything April, Eye-an and Claudia are having a domestic.

This is neither the time nor the place!

Anyone need a cuddle? This might help…

Our favourite bit so far:

Eye-an casually deciding to repel down a ravine to a school bus full of kids, who he then proceeds to save one by one.

We are 100 per cent on board with Oliver in the comments who says:

Ian Ziering NEEDS to be the next James Bond!!!

That’s the spirit Seán!

Commercial break time again.

We’d like to take a moment to say we are definitely on board with this idea.

Thousands of Nicolas Cages coming out of a tornado. What’s not to love?

ARGH! It’s a real life Sharknado!

Our heroes are on the move once more.

The teacher from the school bus showed signs of going rogue, so he was killed off. He didn’t even get to be eaten by a shark. He was chopped in half by some falling debris instead.

A shark has attacked our heroes’ car.

I repeat, a shark has attacked our heroes’ car.

A shark, which needs to be in water to survive, has hitched a ride atop a car, bitten through the roof, and attempted to chow down on its occupants.

But don’t worry, it’s science, just like this:

@Kirsten F’s cat is as baffled as we are.

Have we mentioned the script? It’s stunning.

Update: Our heroes have made it to the flight school where Eye-an and April’s son has been hiding out.

Eye-an decides that the whole lot of them are going to “stand and fight it out”.

Luckily, there’s a store with a mini arsenal of weapons to help them out.

Eye-an’s son Matt is going to fly in a chopper above the Sharknado and drop bombs INTO THE EYE OF THE STORM.

We like you Matt. You’re scrappy.

Remember that scar Nova had? It WAS a shark!

She survived a sinking boat and a shark attack which killed five adults, including her grandad. No wonder she’s so plucky!

Quote of the night comes about 70 minutes into the film. An homage to one of the greats:

We’re gonna need a bigger chopper.

We see what you did there.

EYE-AN IS SHOOTING SHARKS OUT OF THE SKY WITH A HANDGUN.

Matt and Nova are single handedly dropping bombs into the three tornados that are ravaging the city, with Eye-An, April and co are on foot, with chainsaws.

Australian guy is missing, presumed dead, after a shark attack.

We have so many feelings. We’ve lost George and his stool, school bus man, and now maybe Australian guy.

We’ve lost Nova. I repeat, we’ve lost Nova!

She fell out of the chopper and was eaten by a shark in mid air.

Again, these sharks are flying through the air, seemingly able to survive without water, and driven by an intense desire to feast on human flesh.

CLAUDIA! MOVE!

In a valiant attempt to save his daughter, Steve Sanders from 90210 has JUMPED INTO THE BELLY OF A SHARK AND CUT HIS WAY OUT WITH A CHAINSAW!

AND HE SAVED NOVA! It was the shark that ate her!

God bless us, everyone.

Well, that was surely the greatest ending to a film ever?

Matt and Nova are going to drop the lámh and lob the gob on each other, Eye-An and Tara Reid have had a messy snog, and we’ll always have the memory of George and his stool.

Up next on the SyFy Channel… The Human Centipede.

Hands up who wants to liveblog that?!