SMARTPHONES ARE everywhere. They’re in our homes, in our offices, in our cars, in our bedrooms. The chances are you’re reading this on one right now.

But there are some places which should remain inviolate.

Presenting, the 6 places where smartphones should be banned. According to us.

1. In the cinema

Ng Han Guan/AP/Press Association Images

The problem:

All is silent. The audience is tense. On screen, the doorknob begins to turn and as the door creaks open we can see

OH, A BLINDING LIGHT FROM THE PERSON NEXT TO ME WHO’S CHECKING THEIR FACEBOOK.

Possible solution:

Lead shielding around all multiplexes, stat.

2. At dinner

Pictures Of Hipsters Taking Pictures Of Food

The problem:

Hey, we understand – sometimes you get important phone calls during dinner. That’s all fine. Specifically, the phone camera is what we’re talking about here.

The only possible reason to photograph your food is if you are a food photographer. Anything else is just showing off.

Possible solution:

Phone exchanges in restaurants. On entering, you hand over your smartphone to a besuited waiter. He then issues you with a Nokia 2160, which you may use on a temporary basis until the meal is finished and the bill has been paid.

3. At concerts

Hussein Malla/AP/Press Association Images

The problem:

Oh, what’s that, person in front? You’re going to RECORD THE ENTIRE SHOW WITH YOUR PHONE HELD ABOVE YOUR HEAD?

Maybe you could send me a copy when you’re done, because I sure can’t see anything now.

Possible solution:

Security guards with those extendable litter-picking claws, to grab all held-aloft iPhones out of people’s hands. Especially anyone who’s recording it with a vertical screen.

4. On the toilet

Imgur

The problem:

Long periods spent in toilet reading the news or playing Angry Birds; queues for bathroom during busy periods; dead legs when you try to get up; possible haemorrhoids and unsanitary conditions.

Possible solution:

All smartphones to be retrofitted with an un-deletable app that rings a random person from your contact list, and broadcasts all the noises you make in the toilet.

5. In the shower

engadget.com

The problem:

Water damage. (Around one in eight Americans have used their smartphones in the shower, according to this survey.)

Possible solution:

Actually, this one kind of solves itself: use your phone in the shower, it gets broken. Anyone dexterous enough to use their phone in the shower WITHOUT getting it wet probably just deserves respect.

6. During sex

Look, this was the best photo we could find, OK? (Photo via Shutterstock)

The problem:

Around one in ten Americans have used their smartphones during sex, according to a major survey just this month. One in ten.

Frankly, we just can’t imagine a situation when this would be OK. It wouldn’t even be comfortable. You’d DEFINITELY end up dropping your phone on your face while trying to update your LinkedIn endorsements.

Possible solution:

Just don’t use your phone during sex. Can we agree on that at least?

Have we missed any places where smartphones should be verboten? Any possible ways to ban them? Let us know in the comments…

A simple guide to banishing phones from the dinner table>

Dublin restaurant bans customers from Instagramming food>