YOU’LL PROBABLY BE going on your work Christmas party soon, maybe even tonight.

We implore you… heed these simple nuggets of advice.

1. Stay away from the photocopier. Nobody wants to be faced with blurry images of your arse when they come into work the next day.

Similarly nobody wants to use a photocopier that has had an arse on it.

Just stay away from the photocopier.

YouTube/IAteMyUserName

2. Don’t buy anything body-odour related for your Secret Santa present. You might think ‘oooh, a Lynx Africa box set, that will always come in handy. They’ll be delighted’.

Don’t say we didn’t warn you when smelly Bernard from accounting accepts it with a quivering lip and a wry glance at his own armpits.

3. If you fancy someone in your office for the love of God make sure they don’t have a wife/husband/partner before you lob the gob.

Otherwise things could be VERY awkward in the cold harsh light of the office kitchen when you’re waiting for the kettle to boil.

YouTube/MySpunkSponge

4. If you’re a drinker, sneak a water in every two drinks or so. You’ll be as smug as anything when you’re faring much better than anyone else come 11pm (Yes, we know 11pm seems early, but chances are you started drinking at 5, so there will be a few people ready to go on their ears).

If you’re not a drinker, you’re probably in for a very interesting night. Camera at the ready please.

5. If the Christmas party is on a schoolnight, secrete some beige food (croissants, corn snacks etc) in your desk drawer so you’ll be well prepared the following morning.

A well-placed bin or plastic bag may also come in handy should a need for a strategic puke arise.

6. If there is to be karaoke, prepare three songs in advance, and don’t deviate from them. This was avoid any YouTube/Facebook-based humiliation. Under no circumstances are you to attempt Madonna’s Like a Virgin, or anything by Michael Bublé.

Here at DailyEdge.ie we advocate these songs:

YouTube/PaulSimonVEVO

YouTube/Mythosum

And if you simply must do a Christmas song, let it be this one:

YouTube/WhamVEVO

7. Identify members of senior management before you guzzle any cava. It will avoid a conversation like this at the urinal with the MD:

So, what do you do here then? This place is a pit – I’m getting out next January – I didn’t want to leave before the Christmas bonuses were handed out.*

(*this actually happened)

Do not kick anyone senior up the arse, no matter how appropriate it may seem at the time.

YouTube/Channel4

8. It is only acceptable to bawl if you are linking arms with your co-workers in order to belt out Fairytale of New York. Any other sort of crying is frowned upon, especially if it’s related to Tip Number 3.

Shutterstock

YouTube/RhinoUK

TheJournal.ie and DailyEdge.ie Christmas party is next week. Let’s see how many of these we can stick to…

7 very Irish Christmas presents

So RTÉ Guide, what’s on at 3pm on Christmas Day?