FOR YEARS we have stood by as raisins slowly invaded every food we love. But now we’re railing against the Raisin Agenda. All of this is unacceptable.

1. This travesty

Forest Feast Forest Feast

What about those of us who just want yoghurt peanuts, you villains? Why should we be subjected to this?

2. These cookies which are NOT chocolate chip

But they look like it all right. That’s what the raisins want you to think.

3. And these scones that conceal more raisins than you could ever imagine

You think you’ve picked them all out, but no. There are more. So many more.

4. Here they are hanging around in your ice cream

It’s not right.

5. Lying in wait in your granola

Can’t we just have our breakfast in peace?

6. Trying to pass themselves off as chocolate or coffee Revels

And there’s always so many of them. It’s a conspiracy!

7. Sneaking into your treat bag on Halloween

We blame a) the terrible neighbours that gave out raisins instead of sweets, and b) raisins themselves for being the devil.

8. Getting baked into cakes, where they have no business being

“I have cake!”
“YAAAAY!”
“It’s fruitcake!”
“Never mind.”

9. And all the time, trying to trick you into eating them

10. These ones almost foiled you

Not so fast, fiends!

11. And whatever in the name of god this is

We’re too upset to even contemplate it. No more, raisins. No more.

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