AS SUMMER MARCHES on, it seems like there’s a festival on every other weekend, which is fine, except when you have to hear about it afterwards from those that were there.
Here are the ways in which people who go to music festivals annoy us so:
1. Counting down to the festival on Facebook/Twitter: “Hurry up, [insert festival here]!”
Massage your temples, take a deep breath. It’s starting.
2. Incessantly talking about the weather in the run-up to and aftermath of the festival.
Posting screenshots of sunny forecasts (“Sunshine, yeow!”) or publicly praying for the rain to relent. Either way, spare us.
3. Talking about your mates’ wacky festival traditions
“Haha, my mate Oisín brings a crocodile onesie to EVERY festival, it’s so gas!!!”
4. Live-tweeting the whole festival
5. Announcing on social media that you can’t be contacted because your phone is about to die
WELL, MAYBE YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE BEEN LIVE TWEETING.
6. Talking about the “vibe” or the “buzz”
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It’s far from #vibes you were raised.
7. Complaining that it’s totally changed or not what it used to be
Too “corporate”? Becoming a “beast”? Give me a break.
8. Smugly recalling how “magical” or “once in a lifetime” certain moments were
Oh really, tell me more about this “magical” moment you experienced while I get sick in my mouth.
9. Picking obscure events as “highlights” of the festival
“Yeah, Arcade Fire weren’t great. The real highlight for me was this old woman spinning reggae records in the Sylvanian Families Woodland Tent.”
10. Leaving on wristbands for ages after the festival has ended
11. Posting “Take me back :(” or about “post-festival blues”
GO BACK. WE DON’T WANT YOU.
12. Complaining about hangovers or recovery for ages afterwards
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“[insert festival here] ruined me!”
13. Posting 139 photos of you and your mates sitting in deckchairs, drinking cans and flashing the peace sign
Thanks so much for sharing!!!
14. ….or posting photos of “the stage”
I know you’re saying that it’s Ellie Goulding up there, but all I see are hands/other people’s iPhones.
15. Regarding you with pity when you say you weren’t there
“Oh, you didn’t make it down, no?” NOBODY DIED, I’M OKAY.
16. Finally, weeks pass. You think it’s all over. And then:
Oh, were you at a festival? I HAD NO IDEA.
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