BACK IN THE early noughties, MTV Cribs was all the rage. Each episode featured celebrities inviting viewers into their home to have a nose around their fridges and a look at their enormous tellies.
It fed our curiosity about the inner lives of the rich and famous, and satisfied our insatiable hunger for property shows. In other words, it was perfect television.
Among the celebrities to show us around their gaff was none other than 90s television icon Melissa Joan Hart, best known for her roles in Sabrina, The Teenage Witch and Clarissa Explains It All.
“Hey, I’m Melissa Joan Hart and welcome to my crib!”
Her three-bedroom gaff was modest by Cribs standards, but a mansion by regular standards.
This is her living room. Please take a moment to appreciate the silver armchair, arguably the most noughties item of furniture we’ve ever laid eyes on.
All that’s missing is a Groovy Chick cushion.
Melissa informs us that the “fireplace is, like, the main point” of the room and proceeds to show off her Sabrina poster.
“My Sabrina poster is over here,” she says. “The real Sabrina. Audrey Hepburn.”
Don’t put yourself down, Melissa!
Next up, Melissa shows off her extensive art collection. “I collect a lot of art,” she brags and we are treated to lots of close-ups of this sculpture.
Oh cool.
She really loves art. For instance, here she is with a sculpture that “represents Sabrina”. (Did she mention that she was in Sabrina?)
When I started Sabrina, I had no money and I really wanted this statue. So after a year, Sabrina became a hit and I went back to Hawaii and bought my favourite statue.
After treating us to this inspiring tale, she shows us her new couch, which looks extremely hard and incredibly uncomfortable.
“I love it!” she exclaims. “It’s like a bed!”
Things take a sharp turn when she reveals her massive collection of Shirley Temple memorabilia.
Her hallway is decorated exclusively with posters of Shirley Temple, which isn’t weird or serial killer-esque at all.
But she soon redeemed herself with this relatable line…
A woman after our own heart.
Let’s take a moment of the stunning camerawork, yes?
A few moments later, she shows us the toaster her “best friend Soleil” got her.
The Soleil in question is Soleil Moon Frye, who played Roxie in Sabrina, The Teenage Witch. Slick toaster, to be fair.
“I never had a toaster and I was excited about that.”
- Melissa Joan Hart
She then shows us the demented magazine cuttings she has stuck to her fridge.
“Here’s my fridge,” she says. “On the front, I’ve got every rip out of a magazine that I have ever loved.”
Okay.
Melissa.
What?
Between this and the Shirley Temple memorabilia…
Another shout out to gin.
I love my gin.
Next, she brings us to her “office,” which isn’t so much an office as it is a shrine to Melissa Joan Hart and Shirley Temple.
For instance, here’s a photo of Melissa Joan Hart wearing a racing jacket.
And here are some Shirley Temple dolls sporting sinister grins.
:)
But it turns out Melissa Joan Hart has a second obsession!
“I love crosses,” she explains before lifting her hair to proudly show off the cross she has tattooed on her neck.
We know what you’re thinking: if Melissa Joan Hart had to save one thing in a fire, what would it be?
Simple! An antique music box that her grandmother used to play for her. Again, the music box plays a tune that wouldn’t sound out of place in an episode of Are You Afraid Of The Dark?
This is an odd choice because Melissa Joan Hart then casually informs us that she owns two Picasso etchings, which she refers to as her “first big pieces of art”
Girl, leave the rinky-dink music box and save the Picassos in the fire, okay?
Moving on, here she is holding a horrible child’s dress, which she calls her “lucky dress”
Look at the intensity in her eyes.
The next stop is her bar and general hang out area. She goes to great pains to point out the “Witches’ Brew” sign installed above the bar.
Get it?
Fun fact: Melissa Joan Hart has a collection of shot glasses form every single place she has ever been to.
Including one from South Bend, Indiana.
She loves shot glasses so much that she had a personalised shot glass made for the cast and crew of Sabrina, The Teenage Witch.
How thoughtful.
Just as you think things couldn’t get any weirder, Melissa introduces us to her dogs.
What are the dogs’ names, you ask? Haleakala and Pele, of course. (I implore you to watch the clip of her introducing these dogs.)
After showing us her pool and hot tub, Melissa arrives at the following conclusion.
The good thing about this house is that it’s made for parties.
And with that, she bids us farewell.
The most noughties episode of telly ever? Quite possibly.
