TODAY IS COOKING legend Jamie Oliver’s birthday.

We’ve all tried to master some of his supposedly simple, quick dishes.

But seriously – 30 minute meals? More like 60 minute nightmares.

Well all love food, don’t we?

Image: via Hiloop

Then how come we don’t all love cooking?

1. Complete and utter lack of fancy ingredients

The first major hurdle is the lack of ingredients.

Image: via Xaxor

The problem might be that our cupboards only contain an old packet of rice and a sticky bottle of Tabasco. But equally, who has star anise lying around?

And what the hell kind of recipe calls for lavender salt?

…What is lavender salt?

2. Missing all that fancy equipment

Jamie and his chef cohorts have access to those big fancy rounded knives and incredibly swish whizzing-up machines.

Image: via Xaxor

We have access to some blunt utensils and a faded tea towel.

3. Almost dangerous inability to chop

One of the most impressive cooking skills is the ability to chop – to chop quickly, accurately and with finesse.

Image: via Reddit

Our garlic has flown across the kitchen during misadventures in chopping.

And let’s all take a moment to ensure we have some Elastoplast in the house.

4. Time constraints

Set the scene: it’s after work on a Tuesday. You’ve just got in after a long and pretty gross commute, you’ve got the washing to stick on, telly to watch, and of course you are dog-tired.

Image: via Food Legend

Who has the time? And we all know 30 minute meals never take 30 minutes.

You fooled us, Jamie. You left out the time for preparation. AND it takes us about ten times longer to chop things than you. Please.

5. Things just don’t WORK

The recipe book says “simply blend the butter and the sugar”.

Hang on, “simply”? Isn’t that a little passive-aggressive, recipe book?

Image: via Owned

Back off.

6. Bizarre techniques

Well, to be fair, creaming together butter and sugar is just about within our grasp.

It’s when the recipe books start to get a little over-ambitious with us that things go wrong.

Image: via Reddit

When a recipe casually calls for you to knock together a “simple roux” you know things aren’t going to go smoothly. Any time you have to consult a dictionary after reading a recipe is gonna be a bad time.

7. Never going to look like the picture

And let’s face it, even if we follow all the instructions and dedicatedly buy all the special ingredients – it’s still never going to look like the picture in the book.

Image: via Xaxor

See? Even oven pizzas are beyond some more culinary-challenged people’s capabilities. Thanks for nothing, Jamie.

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