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UNDERSTANDABLY, IN THE year following last year’s terrorist attack in Manchester, which left 22 dead and 500 injured, Ariana Grande has been avoiding the spotlight.

She hasn’t spoken out much about the incident since, and in her first TV interview following the Manchester attack, Grande was visibly struggling to keep it together when the topic was briefly discussed.

Last night, an article published by TIME detailed how journalist Sam Lansky had to have the difficult conversation with the singer. Sam said:

She knows I am going to ask her about this before I have even said the words. She can see it in my eyes, and I can see it in hers and she begins to cry – not graceful tears, but deep, choking sobs. “I’m sorry,” she says. “I’ll do my best.”

The singer, who was just 23-years-old at the time of the attack, struggled as she spoke about an event that changed and destroyed many lives.

There are so many people who have suffered such loss and pain. The processing part is going to take forever. I don’t want to give it that much power – something so negative. It’s the absolute worst of humanity.

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Grande explained why she returned to do the One Love Manchester benefit night, so soon after the attack.

Ariana’s manager Scooter Braun previously said that he knew at the time of asking Ariana to participate in the charity gig that it was unfair.

I said “We need to get a concert and get back out there.” She looked at me like I was insane. She said “I can never sing these songs again. I can’t put on these outfits. Don’t put me in this position.”

But two days later, Scooter Braun got off of a flight and found that he had 16 text messages from Ariana Grande who said “I need to speak to you. If I don’t do something, these people died in vain.” Ariana Grande told TIME:

I did my best to react the way I did. The last thing I would ever want is for my fans to see something like that happen and think it won.

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She continued by adding that every single day she struggles with what happened:

Music is supposed to be the safest thing in the world. I think that’s why it’s still so heavy on my heart every single day. I wish there was more that I could fix. You think with time it’ll become easier to talk about. Or you’ll make peace with it. But every day I wait for that peace to come and it’s still very painful.

Ariana also said that she wants to show her fans, most of which are young teenagers, that “you can change a bad situation and make it better.”

When you’re handed a challenge, instead of sitting there and complaining about it, why not try to make something beautiful? I’m happy. I’m crying, but I’m happy.

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