THEY DIDN’T WANT us to do it, but look at how much better off we are now for drinking in fields. Sure didn’t we learn all of these things?
1. You can drink anything if you put your mind to it
Port? Cheap white wine? Decades-old sherry from the back of the press, mixed with a bit of cordial for taste? No bother.
2. And have a great night on two cans
Split a pack with some mates and you were away.
3. Plastic water bottles are an alcohol cloaking device
See that? That’s not water… It’s WKD! Bet you’re shocked.
4. And ‘I’m going to a sleepover’ is the ultimate excuse
You, convincing your parents to let you away for the night:
Try this excuse the next time you want to get out of a boring family event! Surely it still works?
5. For the gals: How to get over the mortification of peeing outside…
It’s not glamorous but sometimes, it has to be done.
6. …And how to climb a wall/hop a gate with a degree of dignity
The importance of this skill is not to be underestimated.
7. The correct amount of Coke/7Up to pour out to fit a naggin in
Just enough so that it didn’t taste like crap, but not so little that you’d have to carry round an incriminating bottle.
Put THAT on the Leaving Cert Maths paper, why don’t ye.
8. Cheap alcohol costs you little money-wise, but a lot mentally and physically
Glen’s Exciting Vodka isn’t so exciting the next morning. Just a tip.
9. But cheap mixers? Away you go
Country Spring you beaut.
10. How to drop everything and flee upon hearing the word ‘SKETCH’
It’s a Pavlovian response.
11. Impulse/Lynx body spray covers up all manner of sins
Spray it and it’s like you were never out.
12. You should never drunkenly attempt to ‘act normal’ around your parents
They’re not stupid. And you’re no Meryl Streep.
13. And you’re never too old to do it again
All you need to do is look at the Pav/the Barge/the Spanish Arch on a sunny day to know that this is true. Bag of cans down the canal, anyone?
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