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9. Plunder the gaff for tissues. There are simply not enough tissues in the world to plug the leaky tap that is now your nose
10. Do a particularly disgusting sneeze and hope nobody was looking at you. Lock eyes with your boss as you’re wiping away
11. Look balefully at the pharmacist and hope that she sees you, really sees you for the husk of a person you have become
12. But she just throws a packet of Nurofen Cold and Flu at you and you come to the startling realisation that you’re just like everyone else right now
Just found out the world doesn't revolve around me. Shocked & upset.
13. Constructing a sickbed of blankets and pillows on the sofa, beseeching your housemates and/or significant other to ferry you cups of tea
14. Secretly want to take the day off work, but needing someone else to suggest it first, just to vindicate you even further
15. Make the call to your boss, adopting a husky tone you feel suits the occasion, maybe even a little cough or a sneeze for authenticity’s sake
16. Lie in state in your manky tracksuit bottoms all day, hoovering up the lovely Vitamin C tablets from the Uniflu and proclaiming “Oh I’m SMOTHERED” to anyone who will listen
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Tuesday 5 November, 2024
Tuesday 5 November, 2024
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The 18 truly dramatic stages of having a cold
1. Think “Wow, I haven’t been sick for ages! I’m a beacon of health.” This is the important first step towards a truly dramatic cold
2. Immediately hear someone sniffing and coughing in your vicinity, and vow to make their existence very unpleasant if they do it close to you
3. Continue about your day at peace, unaware that something awful is stirring deep in your sinuses
4. Sneeze. Feel suspicious, but shake it off. It’s the dust or something
5. Begin to experience the symptom commonly known as Cloudy Brain, and realise that you are suddenly operating in slooooooow motion
6. Finally understand what Eminem meant when he said “His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy”
7. Tell a few people that you’re feeling rotten, but feel you’re not getting enough sympathy for your plight. Can’t they see that you are suffering?
8. Ring your mam. She says, “You sound sniffly. Do you have a cold? Poor dote”. TRIUMPH
9. Plunder the gaff for tissues. There are simply not enough tissues in the world to plug the leaky tap that is now your nose
10. Do a particularly disgusting sneeze and hope nobody was looking at you. Lock eyes with your boss as you’re wiping away
11. Look balefully at the pharmacist and hope that she sees you, really sees you for the husk of a person you have become
12. But she just throws a packet of Nurofen Cold and Flu at you and you come to the startling realisation that you’re just like everyone else right now
13. Constructing a sickbed of blankets and pillows on the sofa, beseeching your housemates and/or significant other to ferry you cups of tea
14. Secretly want to take the day off work, but needing someone else to suggest it first, just to vindicate you even further
15. Make the call to your boss, adopting a husky tone you feel suits the occasion, maybe even a little cough or a sneeze for authenticity’s sake
16. Lie in state in your manky tracksuit bottoms all day, hoovering up the lovely Vitamin C tablets from the Uniflu and proclaiming “Oh I’m SMOTHERED” to anyone who will listen
17. Make a miraculous recovery about halfway through the day and decide that actually, maybe you will be able to go for drinks later
18. Tell everyone about your brush with death. Soak up their concern and feel truly yourself again. Thank god you survived
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cold i'm dying Sick Winter