HAPPY NEW YEAR, everybody! The chances are that many of you will be reading this with a pounding headache, nausea and a sense that the screen is swimming before your eyes.

We call this a hangover. And there are many ways of curing it.

But whatever you do, do NOT go to the internet for advice. It will be dreadful.

Here are nine pieces of advice you definitely don’t want to follow:

1. Mix Two Liquids That Should Never Be Mixed

cocktails.about.com

Milk and coke? This comes from a venerable school of hangover remedies, which basically amount to: drink the most disgusting concoction you can possibly throw together, and anything will seem better afterwards.

2. Change the ‘Climate In Your Body’

bbc.co.uk

Emily, climate change is not for bodies. Climate change is for planets.

Even if it does feel like there is a hole in your ozone layer right now.

3. Tanning bed

thedrunkpirate.com

No words.

4. Live Sea Urchin

brightestyoungthings.com

“Live uni” is sea urchin, eaten alive from its still-wiggling shell. This is the worst idea ever.

For a video showing what it looks like, see here. (Do not click this link if you are currently hungover.)

5. Diarrhoea Medication

bbc.co.uk

BLAMO indeed.

6. Eat A Thing Like You Would Eat Another Thing

thedrunkpirate.com

Eating a pepper like an apple will not save you now. Also: Rhine?

7. Up Your Mass

Bodybuilding products? Really?

Also, Up Your Mass sounds like something you’d say if you were angry with a priest.

8. This

thedrunkpirate.com

OK, this is excellent.

9. … And This

thestudentroom.co.uk

NOT HELPING.

More: Lemon in the armpit? Pickled sheep eye? 7 strange hangover cures>