THIS IS MATT COYNE. Three months ago, he and his partner Lyns had their first son, named Charlie (not pictured, thankfully).

Facebook / Matt Coyne Facebook / Matt Coyne / Matt Coyne

Upon becoming a dad, Matt realised there were so many things he didn’t know about parenthood – so he decided to jot down the things he’s learned after three months of it.

Here are a few of the choice facts he shared on Facebook:

I used to think that the theory that the moon landing was a hoax was total bollocks, just because it required a huge amount of people to share a secret. I now think it’s a distinct possibility given the conspiracy of silence about how horrendous labour is.

Baby piss in the eye really is only funny the first time.

Facebook / Matt Coyne Facebook / Matt Coyne / Matt Coyne

Babies breathe in a jazz syncopated rhythm. There is no set pattern to it and they stop breathing roughly every 40 seconds, just long enough for you to think they’ve died. Of all the dick moves your baby can pull, pretending they’ve died is by far the most dickish and they do it all the time.

Babies at this age don’t look like anyone. Everyone sits around drinking a f**kload of tea and says he looks like you, or he looks like his granddad… In truth they all look like Ross Kemp.

And this, probably the most worrying of all Matt’s revelations:

It is possible to have so little sleep that your balls hurt.

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His story has been shared thousands of times on Facebook, with fellow parents saying it’s one of the funniest “and most true” accounts of parenthood they’d ever seen. Read the rest of it here.

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