ST PATRICK’S DAY.

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Is it the day our nation unites together to celebrate our wonderfully unique cultural heritage, formulated on a sopping wet island on the edge of the Atlantic, after generations of struggling and isolation, along with intermittent intervals of invasion by Vikings, Normans, and our BFFS (Best Frenemies Forever), the English?

Or is it the day that you’re reminded that the whole world appropriates Irish culture as an excuse to drink, fight, cause general mayhem and take weird fecking photos like this?

Shutterstock / Miriam Doerr Martin Frommherz Shutterstock / Miriam Doerr Martin Frommherz / Miriam Doerr Martin Frommherz

Whatever your stance on the day, can you truly call yourself an Irish person unless you know that the real time in Dublin to celebrate our national Saint is on St. Patrick’s Day Eve?

If you’re a wise old Irish soul, or if you’ve learnt the hard way, you’ll be part of the hardy group that hits the town on the night of 16th March. If you need some convincing, here are the 5 key benefits of celebrating on St. Patrick’s Day Eve:

1. Firstly, you’ll avoid the anarchy.

The streets of Dublin gradually descend into what can only be described as the last days of the Roman Empire.

By midday, the rubbish bins are overflowing, snotty-nosed children are crying and crashing down from a fizzy drink induced sugar high whilst their zombie-like parents look haggard after hours of haggling and blackmailing the children to be good.

The teenagers who are still standing (distinct from the ones who don’t know their limits and have passed out from their first day drinking adventures), are running riot on the street fuelled by vodka and red bull, whilst the elderly stare and mutter ominously at them about ‘catching their death of cold’, which sounds halfway between a concern and a curse.

Shutterstock / ValeryMinyaev Shutterstock / ValeryMinyaev / ValeryMinyaev

2. Live streaming the Heart of Darkness, aka Temple Bar

For some of you, that might sound simultaneously dangerous and great craic to watch. If so, don’t worry.

Your FOMO can be cured and your safety ensured by tuning into the live stream of the drunken drama on Temple bar from the security of your kitchen table. The unfolding mayhem on the streets looks like an amalgamation of a leprechaun cosplay convention, a scene from It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia, and The Purge.

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3. Semi-empty pubs

In preparation for the long day of celebration, the tourists and wannabe sesh mots will be turning in for a nice early night on the 16th, leaving the pubs and bars significantly more manageable for the rest of us. *cue evil laughter* We’ll be ‘mwahaha-ing’ all the way to the bar!

4. Avoiding the plagues of tourists

By far, the biggest plus is that you’ll avoid the Americans cornering you in a dark pub to bang on about their Irish heritage. They’ll talk the ear off you, as apparently they now have the ‘gift of the gab’ from kissing the Blarney Stone – sidenote: has any Irish person ever actually done that?

If you don’t have your wits about you, you’ll get sucked into a one-sided conversation where you have to nod politely and listen to how they’re Irish because their great-grandmother’s best friend’s third-cousin’s second husband had a cat called O’Malley that lived through the famine,  inexplicably surviving only on seaweed and leprechaun bones. Surrreee!

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5. Being hungover on St. Patrick’s Day

If you go out on the 16th, you’ll be nursing your whiskey hangover from the comfort of your couch giving you the perfect excuse not to brave the elements to watch the St. Patrick’s Day parade and if the 18th falls on a weekday, you’ll avoid nursing said hangover at your work desk.

And if you needed one more excuse, sure doesn’t even the Taoiseach himself avoids St. Patrick’s Day in Dublin with an annual trip to America?

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