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WE ALL LOVE  a red chair story.

Sometimes they’re heartwarming, sometimes they’re infuriating, sometimes they’re hilarious and often, they’re just downright disgusting. Last night’s first red chair story was the latter.

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First up, we had Charlotte. Charlotte is a Londoner who works in HR. She began telling the story of a holiday she went on with her boyfriend to Turkey.

We had eaten some food and we had gotten really, really ill. We spent a couple of days in the hotel just getting better. When we got better, we went to the beach and I thought “Oh, I know! Let’s go on a pedalo ride.” So we went out on this pedalo. We went quite far out.

That’s when Charlotte realised that she had not, in fact, overcome her illness. All of a sudden, she really needed to get to a toilet, but because there was no toilet, she had to improvise.

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I had to jump off this pedalo, get out of my swimsuit and I then had to swim, and just poo basically. Finally, I did my deed got my swimming costume back on again, got back on the pedalo and said “please take us back.” Just as I got back on, I saw this woman swimming towards us with her goggles on, swimming hat on, swimming along.

She didn’t say what happened next, but we all know.

Can we just take a moment to appreciate the fact that not only is she telling this story to a panel of celebrities including Channing Tatum and Usain Bolt, but she’s also telling this story to Graham’s entire viewership and thousands of people who will see her story on Youtube some day.

Anyway, Graham remarked that it would be hilarious if the next person on the red chair came on to talk about that time they were swimming in Turkey and ended up covered in shit.

Luckily for him, the next guy on the red chair had not got a story about swimming in Turkey.

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James, who was a forensic accountant, told a story about a trip he took to Italy instead. As his wife is Sicilian, he went to visit her family and had been trying to learn some Italian. He hadn’t really had much luck with that.

My fallback option was just to add vowels to the end of English words if I didn’t know what to say.

James had managed to avoid speaking for a few days, but eventually he went to the local shops with his wife’s sister.

After driving around for ages trying to find a parking space, my now sister-in-law managed to squeeze into the smallest parking space, which I think even Lewis Hamilton would struggle to fit into. I wanted to say “Good parking!” but I didn’t know how to say ‘good’ and I didn’t know how to saying ‘parking’, so I said ‘bello’ which means ‘beautiful’ and ‘park-eo’ which means ‘vagina’. I said “Beautiful vagina” to my sister-in-law.

Yikes.

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