SO LAST NIGHT brought us the fourth episode of Celebrity Come Dine With Me Ireland. We have one more to go. WE ARE NEARLY THERE.

*mops brow, glugs Berocca*

Last night took us to the home of photographer Brian McEvoy, who gave his evening the theme “Red Carpet Glamour”.

Sigh.

Here’s how it went down:

1. Brian is all class

Look at that collection of branded Carlsberg glasses. That’s the product of years of work.

Do you know how many Carlsberg gift packs he had to buy to get all those?

2. The Things Brian Says

Here are some of the things Brian says during tonight’s episode:

Sweet potato – it’s a cross between a melon and a potato.

Parsnips – still a little bit confused.

They [tomatoes] look like when the skin is coming off your foot.

I hope people like eating tissue.

It’s party time. The Brian-y show. It’s time to party.

Like a cross between a melon and a potato, no?

3. The Celebrities Brian Knows

First up, here he is with a man carved entirely out of walnut Tom Jones.

“My brother calls me FOTS – for Friend Of The Stars,”  he says. So what other celebs have you met, Brian?

“Maria from Coronation Street. The Priests. Sinead O’Connor.”

Good.

4. Cooking With Brian

His secret ingredient:

Serve cold in a Carlsberg glass.

5. Why is Rosanna dressed as a Cossack?

Or something.

Also, check out that grody red carpet with the end folded over. TV3 are strapped for cash, you know. It’s not like RTÉ – those guys have specialised carpet-unfolders on permanent contract for this kind of thing.

6. They will drink NOTHING without fruit in it

“Er, I’m not touching that until you lob a bit of fruit in. I’m not some kind of a pleb.”

7. Joe’s impression of Roy Keane having sex

As this is a family publication, we will not inflict the details on you. Suffice it to say that it goes on for a long time, and involves repeated use of the word “box”.

8. Chris de Burgh! Chris de Burgh!

This was actually amazing. Geraldine was wearing a red dress, so she asked Rosanna to ring her dad and get him to sing Lady In Red down the phone.

He didn’t need asking twice. In fact he was into the first lines before she’d even got the question out of her mouth. Evidently Chris de Burgh needs NO encouragement to serenade people.

Also, he kept singing for ages. Way after everyone had stopped laughing about it.

9. Behold, the Tongue of Celia

It emerges from its lair to feast, only to retire when it has had its fill.

10. This man was hired to sing, for some reason

Look at him.

Rosanna says it best:

From living with my dad I’m used to small men bursting into song in the kitchen.

We love you a little bit, Rosanna.

THE RESULTS!

Celia: 7. Geraldine: 7. Rosanna: 7. Joe: 7. Total: 28

THE REAL RESULTS! (Our favourite celebrity)

It’s a surprise result this week, as Brian – previously known only for his penis impressions – steals into our hearts with a range of nonsensical kitchen declarations. Brian, you have won us over. We salute you.

What would happen, we wondered, if we combined two of Brian’s finest moments?

Ah.

Celebrity Come Dine With Me #3: Big men, small tables, more willies>

Celebrity Come Dine With Me #2: Beans, flatulence and GILFS>

Celebrity Come Dine With Me #1: Boobs, insects and an AMAZING face>