IT’S NIGHT THREE of Celebrity Come Dine With Me. We’re halfway through the week. Halfway through this series. Half way to a time when I can once more leave the house in the evenings.

When others talk of this time, we’ll say “You don’t know, man. You weren’t there.”

Anyway, last night took us to the streamlined city-centre abode of everyone’s favourite demure, glamorous former Miss World Rosanna Davison:

There she is, cooking up a storm. Here’s how it went down:

1. Rosanna turning her place into Girlyland

She’s got tiaras EVERYWHERE.

Hair clip/table decoration (that’s the sort of thinking that gets you to Miss World level)

Pillow. Seriously, who owns this kind of stuff?

It’s like a theme park for princesses. I mean, where does Wes stay when he comes over? It’s just humiliating.

2. Air Kissing 101

OK, this is how the pros do it. See the distance between the hips? There is no WAY those pelvic areas are going anywhere NEAR each other.

This is the kind of stuff you have to master when you’re a celebrity.

3. Brian arrives, dishevelled

Seriously, he turns up with his bow tie ALREADY UNDONE. Has he been partying for the last 48 hours with Sean Penn and Roberto Benigni, or are we just on a next-level fashion tip here?

Either way, we’ve got a new respect for Brian.

You’re alright, Brian.

4. Joe arrives like this

Here he is, having a chat with Rosanna.

Anyone?

(Context)

5. The Faces of Celia, Volume 3

Tonight’s face, brought on by Rosanna’s vegan cooking, is Mingled Pain and Bafflement.

6. Brian is MASSIVE

He’s a grown-up at the kids’ table.

His poor legs must be jammed in under there like big muscly hams. It’s like when you asked your dad to tea in the Wendy house.

7. And still obsessed with willies

Remember his previous moment of glory?

Well, he’s at it again:

Brian, that is NOT a suitable use for Rosanna’s tiara pillow.

8. All The Single Ladies (All The Single Ladies)

Rosanna’s drag queen…

THANK you, Rosanna. FINALLY you give us duckface.

… organises a dance-off to All The Single Ladies.

All you other guys, step off. There can only be one winner here. Celia gives it SOCKS.

What a hero. It’s all over before it even began.

THE RESULTS!

Celia: 8. Geraldine: 7. Brian: 6. Joe: 8. Total: 29.

THE REAL RESULTS! (Our favourite celebrity)

Tonight there is no contest. Celia completely ran away with it. From the lowest lows…

… to the highest highs…

… you took us on a journey. Thank you, Celia. Thank you.

Celebrity Come Dine With Me #2: Beans, flatulence and GILFS>

Celebrity Come Dine With Me #1: Boobs, insects and an AMAZING face>