CELEBRITY COME DINE with me is BACK on TV3, with a new roster of Irish celebrities.

(A liberal interpretation of “celebrity” may be required. But we’re down with that.)

Last year, model/proto-Tyra Rozanna Purcell nailed the grand prize of €5,000 for charity. This year, it’s anyone’s game.

Let’s meet the contestants, shall we?

Celia Holman-Lee

Model agent, friend to the stars, and expert wearer of “frantic face” (see below).

SAYS: “When there’s something I want to achieve, I go in like a demon.”

Joe Rooney

Comedian, sporter of dubious haircuts.

SAYS: “I’ve got a very good personality.”

Rosanna Davison

You know, THAT Rosanna Davison. Newly engaged, has been known to say her breasts are an “optical illusion”, recently serenaded by her own father.

SAYS: “I’m probably best known for being Miss World.”

Brian McEvoy

“Celebrity” snapper on the “red carpets” of Ireland.

SAYS: “I’ve travelled around the world with Michael Flatley.”

Brian is plainly the most boring one, and we will have little more to do with him, except for one key moment. Hold your breath.

Geraldine O’Callaghan

Mad-looking Apprentice Ireland contestant turned serial reality TV star.

SAYS: “My pet hate is people who are over-pampered.”

Luckily, this definitely isn’t a woefully transparent attempt to cue up some conflict with Celia, who is hosting her dinner at La Stampa.

Anyway, here’s how it went down:

1. The “Moroccan Theme”

It’s in the Moroccan Suite, so naturally she’s gone for an ethically questionable ‘Arabian Nights’ theme. This involves two girls standing like teapots outside the hotel:

Closer look? Sure:

Because THIS IS WHAT PEOPLE DO IN THE MIDDLE EAST.

Thus the show’s big question immediately becomes: will any of the celebrities arrive in blackface?

2. Celia destroying the La Stampa kitchens

Here she is, in the hotel kitchens in her dress:

Here she is, melting a chopping board:

“OH FOR CHRIST’S SAKE I’m not used to this,” she says, gracefully.

Time for the guests!

3. Celia obviously has no idea whatsoever who Joe Rooney is

Also, he’s wearing a fairly crude Arab Stereotype get-up. I wonder do they have an Irish theme night on the Qatari version of Celeb CDWM?

4. And for some reason, she won’t open the door properly for anyone

Meaning they have to sort of shimmy through sideways. On the plus side, Celia makes this face while doing it:

5. Geraldine’s outfit

Um, is that an insect on your forehead? Do you want me to swat it?

6. Everything Mad That Rosanna Davison Did

(a) Turning up dressed like this:

(b) Pointing at her breasts, over and over again, throughout the evening:

Even when they’re playing charades later, she’s basically just pointing at her breasts:

(c) [While pointing at her bellybutton] “I pee out of here”

Wes Quirke, you are a lucky man.

(d) [For no obvious reason] “I’ve pubes on my chin”

A sentence you probably thought you would never hear uttered on Irish terrestrial television. Rosanna, we love you.

7. This chef’s face when Celia asks him to do her job for her AGAIN

Sample list of things Celia says to the chefs in the La Stampa kitchen:

“Give that a quick rinse for me.”

“This serving is driving me insane.”

“I need to put my rice into the microwave.” *waits for someone to put her rice into the microwave*

So. Tired. Of. This:

8. Brian McEvoy mimes a giant willy

And Geraldine O'Callaghan's face when she shouts "COCK!" in response:

9. And Celia's reaction face.

Wow.

THE RESULTS!

Rosanna: 8. Geraldine: 8. Brian: 8. Joe: 6. Celia scores 30.

THE REAL RESULTS! (Our favourite celebrity of the night)

Rosanna gave it a good show with her chin pubes, but let's be honest: Geraldine and Celia jointly ran away with the prize. Can we run that moment again?

"COCK!"

Amazing.

Raw: Miffed mammies, Ronseal, and a hunk with notions>

Voice of Ireland: Golden pants, funny faces and licking Bressie>