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OK, so we all know Lindt chocolate is delicious. But let’s just get down to some core issues here and say straight out: these are not reindeer. They are bunnies. They are the Lindt bunny from Easter, with antlers drawn over his ears.
Are we really no better than this, people? Are we this easy? These go to the bottom of the list because frankly we should all have a little more pride in ourselves.
12. Lemon’s Seasons Greetings
DailyEdge.ie
DailyEdge.ie
Seasons Greetings take a scattergun approach to the Christmas chocolate market with an assortment of chocolates AND jellies AND hard candies AND toffees AND whatever you’re having yourself. Sorry guys but… choc of all trades, master of none.
11. Emeralds
A lot of people have love for Emeralds because for a while in the 1980s, they were the only thing out there. They OWNED festive. But all things must pass, and it’s time for Ireland to realise that these guys taste like they were made in an era of wartime shortages.
Basically, Emeralds are like Clint Eastwood in Gran Torino. They’re still kind of badass, but the glory days are long gone and when they get munched it sort of feels like a mercy.
The brash newcomer of the Christmas chocolate world, Celebrations turned up at the party in their stretch Hummer circa 1997 and have been trying to introduce themselves into other people’s conversations ever since.
Ultimately, their quest for acceptance is doomed no matter how delicious Mars Bars are, because Galaxy chocolate will always be slightly trashier than Dairy Milk.
Nice, but as a new kid on the Christmas block they will never have quite the same festive oomph as, say, Roses. They don’t even come in a real tin fer Chrissakes.
A polarising festive confection. Some say they are the world’s best way to give yourself a marshmallow moustache; others argue that they taste like loft insulation. Owing to this divisive nature, they’re holding down a solid place in the middle of the list.
7. Black Magic
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Forever your auntie’s favourite chocolate, and thus worthy of respect.
However, they let themselves down in the Christmas stakes by trying to be ‘seductive’. Everyone knows Christmas chocolate isn’t about being seductive, it’s about stuffing your face while lying semi-horizontal. Like a dying whale washed up on a beach of sweet wrappers.
Ferrero Rocher are exciting because your mam would never buy them. If they’re in your house, it’s because they were brought by A Guest. (Or because they’re about to be taken to someone else’s house, in which case they’re enticingly off limits.)
Plus they are so overpackaged, it automatically makes them feel fancy. Basically eating them is the chocolate equivalent of putting on a tuxedo.
5. Snowballs
DailyEdge.ie
DailyEdge.ie
Snowballs really bring the Christmas spirit. Not only because they are a uniquely Irish creation, and because you can actually feel the foamy marshmallow stuff thickening your artery walls, but also because they feature a photograph of this man:
Look, let’s just get this out of the way. Quality Street have a lot going for them – the toffee penny and the crunchy orange one, for a start – but they will never be as good as Roses. Deal with it.
Quality Street are the Garth to Roses’ Wayne, and that’s the way it will always be.
The definition of Christmas magic. Why? Because chocolate bars out of a Selection Box always taste better than they do normally, even though they’re exactly the same. Especially the old kind in a plastic stocking with netting over them.
Essentially, Selection Boxes prove that Santa is real.
After Eights are wonderful. Festive perfection. Literally the problem with After Eights is when wrong-headed people put the little envelopes back in the box after eating the chocolates, which can lead to bitter family disputes and someone having to go to Centra for more.
There are the ones that you hate, the ones that you avoid until you’re absolutely forced to engage with them, and the ones that you love more than anything but never see enough of.
Yes, a tin of Roses is exactly like your family.
And that is why they are, without question, the ultimate Christmas chocolate. Happy Christmas everyone!
Friday 8 November, 2024
Friday 8 November, 2024
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A Definitive Ranking of Irish Christmas Chocolates, From Worst To Best
HERE AT DailyEdge.ie, we know what matters around Christmas time.
So today we have painstakingly ranked all the varieties of Christmas chocolate.* From worst to best.
This ranking is final and definitive.
* By ‘all’, we mean ‘some of the main ones’.
13. Lindt ‘reindeer’
OK, so we all know Lindt chocolate is delicious. But let’s just get down to some core issues here and say straight out: these are not reindeer. They are bunnies. They are the Lindt bunny from Easter, with antlers drawn over his ears.
Are we really no better than this, people? Are we this easy? These go to the bottom of the list because frankly we should all have a little more pride in ourselves.
12. Lemon’s Seasons Greetings
Seasons Greetings take a scattergun approach to the Christmas chocolate market with an assortment of chocolates AND jellies AND hard candies AND toffees AND whatever you’re having yourself. Sorry guys but… choc of all trades, master of none.
11. Emeralds
A lot of people have love for Emeralds because for a while in the 1980s, they were the only thing out there. They OWNED festive. But all things must pass, and it’s time for Ireland to realise that these guys taste like they were made in an era of wartime shortages.
Basically, Emeralds are like Clint Eastwood in Gran Torino. They’re still kind of badass, but the glory days are long gone and when they get munched it sort of feels like a mercy.
10. Celebrations
The brash newcomer of the Christmas chocolate world, Celebrations turned up at the party in their stretch Hummer circa 1997 and have been trying to introduce themselves into other people’s conversations ever since.
Ultimately, their quest for acceptance is doomed no matter how delicious Mars Bars are, because Galaxy chocolate will always be slightly trashier than Dairy Milk.
9. Heroes
Nice, but as a new kid on the Christmas block they will never have quite the same festive oomph as, say, Roses. They don’t even come in a real tin fer Chrissakes.
8. Tunnock’s Tea Cakes
A polarising festive confection. Some say they are the world’s best way to give yourself a marshmallow moustache; others argue that they taste like loft insulation. Owing to this divisive nature, they’re holding down a solid place in the middle of the list.
7. Black Magic
Forever your auntie’s favourite chocolate, and thus worthy of respect.
However, they let themselves down in the Christmas stakes by trying to be ‘seductive’. Everyone knows Christmas chocolate isn’t about being seductive, it’s about stuffing your face while lying semi-horizontal. Like a dying whale washed up on a beach of sweet wrappers.
6. Ferrero Rocher
Ferrero Rocher are exciting because your mam would never buy them. If they’re in your house, it’s because they were brought by A Guest. (Or because they’re about to be taken to someone else’s house, in which case they’re enticingly off limits.)
Plus they are so overpackaged, it automatically makes them feel fancy. Basically eating them is the chocolate equivalent of putting on a tuxedo.
5. Snowballs
Snowballs really bring the Christmas spirit. Not only because they are a uniquely Irish creation, and because you can actually feel the foamy marshmallow stuff thickening your artery walls, but also because they feature a photograph of this man:
AKA the spirit of Christmas himself.
4. Quality Street
Look, let’s just get this out of the way. Quality Street have a lot going for them – the toffee penny and the crunchy orange one, for a start – but they will never be as good as Roses. Deal with it.
Quality Street are the Garth to Roses’ Wayne, and that’s the way it will always be.
3. Selection Box
The definition of Christmas magic. Why? Because chocolate bars out of a Selection Box always taste better than they do normally, even though they’re exactly the same. Especially the old kind in a plastic stocking with netting over them.
Essentially, Selection Boxes prove that Santa is real.
2. After Eights
After Eights are wonderful. Festive perfection. Literally the problem with After Eights is when wrong-headed people put the little envelopes back in the box after eating the chocolates, which can lead to bitter family disputes and someone having to go to Centra for more.
1. Roses
There are the ones that you hate, the ones that you avoid until you’re absolutely forced to engage with them, and the ones that you love more than anything but never see enough of.
Yes, a tin of Roses is exactly like your family.
And that is why they are, without question, the ultimate Christmas chocolate. Happy Christmas everyone!
More: A Definitive Ranking of Christmas Films from Worst to Best>
Chocolate bars: A definitive ranking, from worst to best>
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