EUROVISION IS FAST approaching which means it’s time we analysed each offering from our European neighbours and decide which are good are which shall be receiving nil points.

Having analysed the first half of the songs in part 1 and part 2, we now move on to the next 11.

23. Latvia – Funny Girl – Laura Rizzotto

Latvia has decided to send us a song about how hard it is when someone just sees you as funny rather than as a romantic prospect. It doesn’t exactly set the stage on fire but we’ve all been there hun.

24. Ireland – Together – Ryan O’Shaughnessy

We’re pinning all our hopes to Ryan this year with a song about a failed relationship. It was reported that Russia was going to ban the showing of this entry but it appears there was no truth to this at all. We’re in a tough semi-final though so Ryan’s heartfelt song might face a stiff battle from the more upbeat entries of Israel, the Czech Republic and Azerbaijan. We’ll see.

25. Malta – Taboo – Christabelle

Malta have gone for a bit of a Mad Max/Gladiator vibe to their entry  which talks about breaking the taboo before we become animals and criminals. Dark stuff. If we’ve got to be our own miracle then Malta better hope that this song which doesn’t make much lyrical sense (it’s Eurovision I know) does ok.

26. Hungary – Viszlát Nyár – AWS

Hungary have us harking back to our emo phase with this metal number. It’s actually inspired by the death of the lead singer’s father. Eurovision is a bit grim this year but at least it’s being realistic. Unfortunately this song does not inspire a bop but it is something completely different.

27. Greece – Oniro Mou – Yianna Terzi

Greece have entered another song about the economic crisis but it’s not nearly as fun as ‘Alcohol is Free’. It’s a powerful song sung entirely Greek but the whole thing feels flatter than a pitta bread to be quite honest. You can do better Greece. We know you can.

28. Belarus – FOREVER – ALEKSEEV

There is a bit of controversy around this entry because some Belorussians weren’t happy with a Ukrainian representing them. In the national final a fellow competitor actually pulled out in protest. There’s a lot of emotion in this as Alekseev never met his father who made his mother choose between him or Alekseev. Heavy stuff.

29. Finland – Monsters – Saara Aalto

Finland have provided one of the biggest bangers for this year’s competition and if all is right with the world, it should be a big contender. The looks alone in the video should win an award of some sort. There’s a nice little shout out to the Last Supper in the video too which I’m sure the big JC would highly approve of.

30. Austria – Nobody But You – Cesár Sampson

Austria’s entry is pretty solid but I will say that Cesár walking around in a snow covered forest in a thin jumper is probably not the smartest thing in the world. The video does have some singing murals and statues though and the song itself is pretty good.

31. Portugal – O Jardim – Cláudia Pascoal

Portugal won the competition last year so are automatically entered into this year’s competition. They’ve gown down a similar route of a slow song that is very pretty to listen to but is unspectacular in terms of fun. It’ll probably do quite well too which is deeply annoying.

32. Australia – We Got Love – Jessica Mauboy

Honorary Europeans Australia have gone for a slightly the 1975 vibe with a box that glows in the dark. In all fairness though Australia keep entering very good songs which proves that despite what many of us thought at the start, they’re not taking the piss. I will say though that scientific evidence suggests that love is NOT stronger than fire.

33. The Netherlands – Outlaw in ‘Em – Waylon

Just when you thought Australia being in Eurovision was strange, the Netherlands seem to have entered a country band that sound like they’re from Texas. There’s not a clog or piece of Edam cheese in sight. Is there some sort of country-Western revolution going on in the Netherlands? Apparently.

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