And we’re off!

The comforting tones of Marty Whelan takes us through the intro film, featuring the symbolic journey of a caterpillar to a butterfly, representing… er…  the journey of a Eurovision singer from warbling in the shower to fake tanned on the Malmo stage?

Ireland’s great hope is of course Ryan Dolan with Only Love Survives, written by Wez Devine.

Bagsy calling our first born Wez With a Z.

Here’s the Eurovision caterpillar. Doesn’t he look like a Lordi fan?

And there’s Ryan Dolan in the opening parade ceremony. It’s just like the Olympics really, isn’t it?

We hope he has a bit of baby power handy to get that suit off later. Imagine the smell of nervous sweat and anxiety farts? Chilling.

France up first with an angsty rock number in the native tongue.

Marty has pointed out that the singer is the head off Courtney Love. Do you know what, he might be on to something?

That’s the spirit Beth!

So they are FLYING through the tunes this evening.

There was Lithuania with some carefully crafted facial hair and some puzzling lyrics about his shoes. We’re pretty sure he was saying one shoe is called ‘love’ and the other is called ‘Spain’.

And we weren’t the only ones:

Moldova. Bang of Hunger Games off her.

And look! She’s got a hydraulic frock! Surely that’s some kind of unfair advantage.?

Spain, as Marty has pointed out, got a great reception.

Might have had something to do with her frock versus the wind machine.

Jaysus, nearly got an eyeful

Belgium had the antidote to Ryan Dolan’s ‘Only Love Survives’ with their entry ‘Love Kills’.

Was it just us or was the singer looking into our souls?

If you’re having a few ales/cuppas/minerals to ease you through the evening, here’s a mini drinking game to keep you occupied.

Drink everytime:

• A man in a white outfit looks into the middle distance
• Someone does a fist of pure emotion
• An audience member gets poked in the eye with a mini flag
• Someone is wearing pleather (we’re looking at you Ryan Dolan)
• Marty Whelan makes a mildy inappropriate comment

Malta is as cute as anything.

There’s a ukulele and everything.

We’re not sure if he’s singing about Jeremy or Geri-May though. We do know that he/she works in IT though, as per the lyrics.

In case you’re wondering Ryan Dolan will be going last. Paddy last we guess you could call it.

Geddit? Paddy? Cos he’s Irish.

Sorry. We’re going cross-eyed with all the flashing lights and fake tan.

Cascada is singing for Germany. Wasn’t she a massive star a few years back? Played in The Point or something?

Feral in the comments is backing us up here:

Is this the same Cascada as was in the charts there a while back? Her career is apparently over then..

Apparently Ireland’s own Bill Hughes played keyboards for Armenia.

The host has now made several not so subtle references to the gay community’s Eurovision fandom. She’s addressed the “queens” in the audience and told them they “just haven’t met the right girl yet”.

Sterotyping, alive and well in Malmo.

The lad from Romania looks like Jafar’s not-so-evil little brother.

And as for the dancers, Marian said it better than we ever could:

Host country Sweden has lads in white staring off into the middle distance.

DRINK!

A reminder of our drinking game:

Hungarian hipster alert! He must be ROASTING in that hat.

Ahem…

Demark’s up next. As pointed out on Twitter, she looks a bit like:

There is a BANG of Eurovision off the song. And she is like a cross between Shakira and Emma Watson, aka The Dream.

Kate in the comments section has made a vital and important observation from earlier:

Woah. We are REELING from Greece’s performance.

It was like a bunch of drunk referees joined a ska band, and one of their grandads was the lead singer. One lad was playing his trumpet like a guitar, and the old man gave one of them a belt on the head halfway through.

We’ve now accepted that this Eurovision is just a big game of looky-likies.

In an unexpected turn, we’ve got a Game of Thrones link…

It’s RYAN TIME!

There is so much fake tan and pleather on the stage. It’s far from fake tan and pleather you were raised Ryan.

We love you Ryan, but lay off the fake tan. You look like you smell a bit like biscuits

Great bunch of lads

Okay so all the acts have performed now… the lad with the shoes, the hipster, the Hunger Games lady in the dress… the whole gang.

Voting now gets underway. Every person can vote 20 times and we can’t vote for Ireland :(

So who will you be voting for instead?

Speaking of voting, what’s the story with the voting numbers provided on the RTÉ website? Is there some kind of dastardly plan by Sweden to swipe votes from other countries? (as pointed out by Emmobemmo in the comments section):

The host’s pink monstrosity was made by the one and only Jean Paul Gaultier.

He came to claim responsibility for his creation:

He made the crew’s outfits too. Oh Sweden, you’re gas.

While we wait for the best part.. the voting scoreboard and the awkward link-ups with each country. HALLO DUBLIN! DIA DUIT MALMO!

While we’re waiting we’ve had a baffling sketch about what Swedish people are like (they don’t like emptying the dishwasher and they get drunk when they go on holidays…. sounds familiar).

That’s followed by the host (after a costume change) performing an extravagant musical number about their glorious country. Our favourite bits:

The Swedish Chef. Hurdy gurdy

Marriage equality and gob-lobbing

Pretending to be on the train with some potential muggers

Lads, it’s all been worthwhile, Johnny Logan got his own segment. SPIT ON US J-LO!

The host did suggest that Linda Martin was Johnny Logan in drag though. Awkward.

Okay. This is not good. With 12 countries already casting their votes, Ireland has 3 points. Three.

The UK only gave us one. That’s the last time we eat Walkers crisps.

After 17 countries Ireland are in last place. Hold us now. We won’t be able for Ryan’s little face.

We think it’s time to stop kidding ourselves and enter this song for Eurovision for once and for all…

To cheer ourselves up, let’s remind ourselves of the five ways Johnny Logan makes the internet better, including the Hold Me Now rap:

Westlife’s Nicky Byrne was called upon to cast the votes for Ireland. We gave the UK 7 points. Seven. They only gave us one.

Denmark is in the lead, followed by Azerbaijan. They think they’re so great.

Ireland are still in last place with 3 points. This is terrible. Plenty of calls in the comments and on Twitter for Ireland to give up on the Eurovision completely.

Poor Ryan doesn’t deserve this.

Cyprus gave us two points. Heroes. Everyone go and book a holiday in Cyprus.

Denmark now can’t be beaten and so the squealing in the green room has reached epic levels.

So that’s it. Denmark won with Only Teardrops. We came last.

Ryan Dolan genuinely didn’t deserve to come last. He gave a great performance and did us proud.

Denmark’s winner

Let’s look on the bright side though, at least we don’t have to fork out on hosting the contest next year. Silver linings etc.

Humbug.