FOOTBALL, WHA?  IT’S always on, and “da lads” are always on about it.

When an Irishman is not sure what to say it’s his go-to topic. This means that if you are a non-football following individual, you’ll probably frequently find yourself stuck for something to say when you hear the phrase, “Did you see the match?”.

You may remember this challenging situation being dealt with on the IT Crowd.

YouTube/minimalniemand

Unfortunately, not every match is an Arsenal match, so you may need more than the options used by Roy and Moss.

Here is the DailyEdge.ie guide to faking your way through a casual football chat.

First of all, ask lots of generic questions.  That way you’re in charge of the conversation.  We suggest these.

What about that ref?

What did you think about that shot in the first half?

Shocking defending really, wasn’t it?

The promotion race is interesting this year, isn’t it?

Secondly, focus on the manager.  There are almost always questions around his performance.

I think that manager is on the way out.

The game’s ruined by money. It doesn’t matter who the manager is, if he has the money he can buy the league.

Who do you reckon they’ll get in next?

If the person you’re talking to mentions a specific player, one of these key phrases may come in handy.

He’s been crap all season.

I don’t rate him, never have.

I’ve been saying for years that he’s a good player.

Listen for certain buzz words, then throw in these.

OFFSIDE:

He was never offside.

Ah it was a great goal all the same.

Will Abramovich ever be happy?

There are also some specific phrases applicable to certain situations, should you know that they are happening.

If United are playing:

Bloody United.

If it’s the Champion’s League (like tonight’s match, for example):

Dunphy’s gas, isn’t he?

If Ireland are playing:

At this stage we need to ask Denis O’Brien to pay Trapattoni’s severance.

If it’s a Premier League match:

I had him in my fantasy football and all!

And finally, if in doubt, throw these in.

I still say it doesn’t matter how good they are, they’ll never be as good as Arsenal in 2003-2004.

Ryan Giggs is some man, isn’t he?

What about Messi, eh?

Ah sure listen, what would we do without it, eh?

If all else fails, ask Mrs. Doyle for a lend of her book.

YouTube/llamallama088

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