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FIFTY SHADES DARKER, the sequel to Fifty Shades of Grey, is out in cinemas today.

It is, by all accounts, atrocious with its rating on Rotten Tomatoes currently standing at a paltry 8%. 

You know what that means — funny reviews! Let’s take a gander at some, shall we?

The Telegraph got down to brass tacks and made note of Jamie Dornan’s ridiest moment.

Because that’s really all anyone cares about, right?

Though Dornan gamely gives good pin-up – a scene in which Christian hops astride a pommel horse won an impromptu round of applause at the premiere – his character is defined less by sex appeal than money…

Meanwhile, Rolling Stone paid tribute to this absolute clanger of a line. (The magazine awarded the film a miserable 0.5/4.)

Hallmark should buy the rights to Christian’s line to Elena (Kim Basinger), the older woman who seduced him as a boy. “You taught me how to f**k,” he tells her, “but Ana taught me how to love.” If you’ve read about the derisive laughter that greeted this cinematic disaster at its first New York screening, here’s one reason why.

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The Guardian complained that it wasn’t sexy enough… while noting that it inexplicably features a Chronicles of Riddick shout out.

Why?????????

The most outre it gets is our heroine going to a party wearing a couple of silver balls in a place that doesn’t really show them off (Anastasia: “You’re not putting those in my butt.” Christian: “They’re not for your butt”). Yet even these are just a warm-up act for some standard-issue humping, beneath, of all things, a poster for The Chronicles of Riddick.

The New York Times conceded that the sex was athletic… but likened it to plain ice-cream

The sex is strained and certainly seems to burn serious calories (Christian flips Anastasia like a pancake), but finally pales next to the commodity fetishism. The use of Ben and Jerry’s vanilla ice cream, however, made for great product placement.

In which USA Today accuses Dornan and Johnson of having less chemistry than two dead fish

Johnson still hasn’t found the right role to showcase her skills because this surely isn’t it. Dornan is quite talented — as anybody who’s watched the British TV show The Fall can attest — but he inexplicably loses his mojo in these movies. Together? Well, any pair of fish lying next to each other at Seattle’ famed Pike Place Market have more chemistry.

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US Weekly pointed out these egregious plot holes.

Christian lets Anastasia use lipstick to draw a circle around his chest so he can show her his boundaries on his body.The lipstick “road map” does not smear under Christian’s white shirt. The lipstick “road map” is still visible on his chest days later when he takes a shower.

It’s worth noting that Fifty Shades Darker is directed by a man. A female director would have never perpetuated the preposterous notion that lipstick doesn’t smudge.

The best line, however, came courtesy of Variety.

Sure to make Grey at the Valentine’s Day box office, “Darker” does almost nothing to fulfil the promise of its title, but it’s still diverting, sleekly styled and just sexy enough to frighten a few frigid horses.

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WELL THEN.

Take our money.

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