IS THE NEWS getting you down? Current affairs causing a frown? Satirical site The Mirehas an alternative angle on the week’s hot topics…

Government pledges to find another way to waste €3.1bn

Monday, 10 December

The Government has pledged to find another way to waste €3.1 billion if it doesn’t pay the next instalment of the Anglo promissory note next March.

Minister for Communicating Condescendingly Pat Rabbitte said the government had no intention of paying the €3.1 billion due on 31 March.

“He might be right,” a government source said. “But we’re resourceful. We’ll find a way to waste it.

“It’s been ages since we invented a new allowance, it wouldn’t be long going.”

Not even Google can explain Craig Doyle

Tuesday, 11 December

There is still no known explanation for Craig Doyle, according to Google Zeitgeist’s list of top trending searches for 2012.

Despite Google’s global reach it was unable to find either a reason or a cure for Craig Doyle.

“Some things are beyond humanity and technology,” an analyst said.

Meanwhile, the most common search query in Northern Ireland was “which flag am I supposed to fly today?”

Help for homeowners struggling to become homeless

Wednesday, 12 December

The Government has pledged to help homeowners who are struggling to have their homes repossessed.

“We are going to fix the legal loophole that is making it so difficult for ordinary people to lose their homes,” a spokesman said.

“For too long people have been weighed down by bricks and mortar when all they want is to be homeless, which is their right,” a Labour source said. “Soon they’ll be free to wander the streets, but we’ll leave one or two government buildings on the latch in harsh weather because we care.”

The Mire spoke to one couple who have tried to become homeless for years.

“First we lost our jobs, then we lost our savings but they just wouldn’t make us homeless,” Joe Ryan said.

“It’s so unfair,” his wife Imelda commented. “All we want is to lie in the gutter looking up at the stars.”

Taoiseach accuses Micheál Martin of failing to govern Ireland

Thursday, 13 December

Taoiseach Enda Kenny launched a stinging attack on Micheál Martin’s Government before travelling to Brussels this morning.

The Taoiseach accused the Fianna Fáil leader of failing to run the country since Mr Kenny became Taoiseach.

“The health service is a disgrace, the Budget was a foul attack on decency,” Mr Kenny said. “What the hell are you playing at?”

Mr Kenny’s comments coincide with a four-fold rise in winter vomiting as thousands of people got sick of the antics in the Dáil.

Children devastated as priest claims there’s no God

Friday, 14 December

Children at a school in north Kerry were devastated after a visiting priest told them there was no such thing as God.

The priest was explaining the message of Christmas when he deviated from the traditional script.

“It’s about presents, it’s about Santa,” he said.

“It’s not about God. He doesn’t exist. Stop crying. You can still do your Communion.”

A teacher at the school said, “It’s not what you expect to hear from a priest, in fairness.”

Read previous weeks’ editions of The Mire’s Not the News>