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FRIDAY: Cars feel confined, threatened by parking spaces

EIGHTY-TWO per cent of Irish cars feel confined by parking spaces, according to a survey.

“They feel confined. They feel threatened. They feel insecure,” a car psychologist explained.

Irish cars can respond quite aggressively when expected to park in an orderly manner.

“Some will deliberately block other cars in or mount the pavement outside a shop door and stay there with hazard lights on,” the psychologist said. “Their drivers, helpless to intervene, shrug their shoulders and avoid eye contact or throw litter out the window to pass the time.”

Cars equipped with sat navs are apparently the worst offenders. “They knowingly and cynically lead their owners away from available spaces,” he added.

According to the psychologist, the 18 per cent of cars that park without fuss or incident don’t understand how the economy came to be in such a state.

THURSDAY: Study finds 100% of Government ministers hear voices

DOCTORS meeting at the Irish Medical Organisation conference in Killarney are expected to discuss the plight of Government ministers hearing voices.

A study by The Mire’s medical staff found that 100% of members of the Cabinet hear voices.

“It’s nearly always Michael Lowry,” a Minister admitted in confidence. “Telling us to build the National Children’s Hospital Casino Resort in a field in Tipperary.”

“We’re powerless to intervene. It’s as if they want to hear his voice,” a doctor said. “At least they’re no longer hearing Jackie Healy-Rae.”

WEDNESDAY: IMF inundated with Irish household bills

THE IMF has asked Irish people to stop sending their household bills directly to them for payment.

“We’re inundated,” the IMF official responsible for this type of thing said. “We get five sacks of unsolicited mail per day. Many are direct debit requests. There seems to be a misunderstanding. People have confused us with the St Vincent de Paul. It doesn’t happen often.”

Mortgage bills, grocery bills and limousine hire for communion parties are the most common items that Irish people asked the IMF to pay for in this morning’s post.

“Obviously we’re the IMF so we have to make sure the bills are accurate and reasonable before we refuse to pay them,” the official said.

“This is costing us a fortune, it’s not something we allowed for in our budget. We may need help from MABS.”

TUESDAY: Report recommends that schools be divested of pupils

FIFTY schools are to be divested of pupils in a move which could be rolled out across the education system.

Pupils present schools with a wide range of problems according to the Government report. “In the absence of pupils schools will be more efficient, education standards can only improve,” a source explained.

“Problems with literacy and numeracy will disappear. There will be no more need for grade inflation. We are entering a golden age of education,” he added.

Teachers unions said they had no objection as long as yard duty allowances were ring-fenced.

MONDAY: Ministers ‘skipping’ waiting list to meet Michael Lowry

GOVERNMENT ministers could be using their positions of power to get private audiences with Michael Lowry.

The fears were expressed after it emerged that 178,000 people are on a waiting list to meet with Mr Lowry but Ministers Michael Noonan, Phil Hogan and James Reilly all got to meet him. (Coincidentally, the same number of people are currently on hospital waiting lists).

“I’ve been waiting for four years to meet Michael Lowry,” a man from Nenagh said. “I bet they weren’t even on the waiting list.”

Of the 178,000 people interviewed by The Mire none would say why they wanted to meet with Mr Lowry.

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