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WE’RE STARTING JULY as we mean to go on which means we’re hot, we’re sweaty and we’re really, really sunburnt. You know what else is hot? The Sun which of course is very important in horoscopes and astrology.
best horoscopes ranked 1. You 2. Simply 3. Cannot 4. Rank 5. A 6. Horoscope 7. For 8. They 9. All 10. Carry 9. Equally 8. Amazing 7. Qualities 6. And 5. Are 4. Not 3. A 2. Competition 1. Leos are the supreme horoscope and should run the modern world.
After that tenuous segue, let’s get down to business shall we?
Aquarius: January 20th – February 18th
You’re frantically buying a bikini and paddling pools in the hope that this weather will carry on for the whole of July. If you’re going to get a tan then more power to you but please put on sun cream lest you want to look like Mr Krabs.
Saturn has decided to turn on Jupiter because it copped off with Uranus behind Saturn’s back and if that sounds ridiculous, it’s actually less ridiculous than the rows you’re going to have to deal with in your house this month. Batten down the hatches lads.
You’re running away from a lot of responsibilities this month because it’s summertime and we all deserve a holiday right? Wrong. Get out there and address your problems. Tackle the bathroom at least.
Relatable heatwave tweet:
It’s gotten to the point where not even my bathroom, usually the coldest room in the house, can cool me down #Heatwave
Much like Eyal from Love Island your relationships have gone more down than up recently. Not to worry though because while you can be dumped from the villa, you can’t really be dumped from Tinder. Get back on the horse.
Because you’re a Gemini, you can’t make up your mind about anything because you know, twins and stuff. At least that’s the excuse you’re using. You’re going to have to make a decision soon though. Cans or pints?
You haven’t been feeling that confident about yourself lately but that’s all about to change. You’re about to get the most smashing haircut of your life and realise that your self worth shouldn’t be based on your appearance simultaneously. Go you.
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Relatable heatwave tweet:
It’s a real ‘clothes from the bottom of the wardrobe that you never thought you’d wear again’ day. #heatwave
As top dog in the organisation department, you’ve cleverly managed to take off the right amount of time during the heatwave. You’ll be basking in your smugness and amazing tan for the whole month. Wagon.
Your stubbornness and unwillingness to do anything except what you want could prove to be a breaking point for you and your friends this month. For Gods sake just relent and let the your friends choose which pub to drink in for once.
Relatable heatwave tweet:
Screaming “STOP GETTING HOT” at the shower seems to be my new morning routine. #Heatwave
It’s a key month for you because Mercury isn’t in retrograde which means you can’t blame it for your terrible decision making. Work could be about to get a lot tougher though because Sandra on your team is a bit of a dope and won’t pull her weight. Take a leaf out of Laura from Love Island’s book and have a word.
You’ve decided to abandon Tinder and Bumble and online dating in general and set up a shrine to the moon in a bid to find someone who isn’t a total wreck-the-head. A wise choice.
You’re in the midst of trying to organise your life and it’s just not happening for you. Look to the stars and decide if you’re really willing to traipse to IKEA to buy a new bed and then head onto DoneDeal and see if you kind one that’s cheaper and doesn’t require building. You’ll feel all the better for it.
Relatable heatwave tweet:
Irish mammies are wandering around in a daze mumbling "there's no more washing to do". Traumatic scenes as they realize that the windows have been cleaned twice as well. #heatwave#irishheatwave
Much like Pluto, you’re feeling a bit lonely and you need a bit of a pick me up. You need to find a new hobby or pastime that allows you to feel fulfilled and lets you make some new friends. Starting a podcast is all the rage right now so why not try that? I’m sure there’s a crime out there that hasn’t been properly investigated.
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Sunday 22 December, 2024
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The Daily Edge Monthly Horoscopes: July
WE’RE STARTING JULY as we mean to go on which means we’re hot, we’re sweaty and we’re really, really sunburnt. You know what else is hot? The Sun which of course is very important in horoscopes and astrology.
After that tenuous segue, let’s get down to business shall we?
Aquarius: January 20th – February 18th
You’re frantically buying a bikini and paddling pools in the hope that this weather will carry on for the whole of July. If you’re going to get a tan then more power to you but please put on sun cream lest you want to look like Mr Krabs.
Relatable heatwave tweet:
Pisces: February 18th – March 20th
Saturn has decided to turn on Jupiter because it copped off with Uranus behind Saturn’s back and if that sounds ridiculous, it’s actually less ridiculous than the rows you’re going to have to deal with in your house this month. Batten down the hatches lads.
Relatable heatwave tweet:
Aries: March 21st – April 19th
You’re running away from a lot of responsibilities this month because it’s summertime and we all deserve a holiday right? Wrong. Get out there and address your problems. Tackle the bathroom at least.
Relatable heatwave tweet:
Taurus: April 20th – May 20th
Much like Eyal from Love Island your relationships have gone more down than up recently. Not to worry though because while you can be dumped from the villa, you can’t really be dumped from Tinder. Get back on the horse.
Relateable heatwave tweet:
Gemini: May 21st – June 20th
Because you’re a Gemini, you can’t make up your mind about anything because you know, twins and stuff. At least that’s the excuse you’re using. You’re going to have to make a decision soon though. Cans or pints?
Relatable heatwave tweet:
Cancer: June 21st – July 22nd
You haven’t been feeling that confident about yourself lately but that’s all about to change. You’re about to get the most smashing haircut of your life and realise that your self worth shouldn’t be based on your appearance simultaneously. Go you.
Relatable heatwave tweet:
Leo: July 23rd – August 22nd
As top dog in the organisation department, you’ve cleverly managed to take off the right amount of time during the heatwave. You’ll be basking in your smugness and amazing tan for the whole month. Wagon.
Relatable heatwave tweet:
Virgo: August 23rd – September 22nd
Your stubbornness and unwillingness to do anything except what you want could prove to be a breaking point for you and your friends this month. For Gods sake just relent and let the your friends choose which pub to drink in for once.
Relatable heatwave tweet:
Libra: September 23rd – October 22nd
It’s a key month for you because Mercury isn’t in retrograde which means you can’t blame it for your terrible decision making. Work could be about to get a lot tougher though because Sandra on your team is a bit of a dope and won’t pull her weight. Take a leaf out of Laura from Love Island’s book and have a word.
Relatable heatwave tweet:
Scorpio: October 23rd – November 21st
You’ve decided to abandon Tinder and Bumble and online dating in general and set up a shrine to the moon in a bid to find someone who isn’t a total wreck-the-head. A wise choice.
Relatable heatwave tweet:
Sagittarius: November 22nd – December 21st
You’re in the midst of trying to organise your life and it’s just not happening for you. Look to the stars and decide if you’re really willing to traipse to IKEA to buy a new bed and then head onto DoneDeal and see if you kind one that’s cheaper and doesn’t require building. You’ll feel all the better for it.
Relatable heatwave tweet:
Capricorn: December 22nd – January 19th
Much like Pluto, you’re feeling a bit lonely and you need a bit of a pick me up. You need to find a new hobby or pastime that allows you to feel fulfilled and lets you make some new friends. Starting a podcast is all the rage right now so why not try that? I’m sure there’s a crime out there that hasn’t been properly investigated.
Relatable heatwave tweet:
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give me a siiiiiiiiign horoscopes starsigns