What they say: “So loads of you have been asking me …”

What they mean: “Nobody’s asked me, but I need to flog this thing.”

What they say: “So _______ kindly gifted me with this _______”

What they mean: “I didn’t pay for this.”

What they say: “I’m delighted to be working/collaborating with/be an ambassador for  _______”

What they mean: “I’m being paid for this.”

What they say: “I’m not being paid to say this, I just really like this.”

What they mean: “I have to say this otherwise I’ll have cretins in my mentions giving out for #spon-ing.”

(In fairness to Suzanne, at least she can rip the piss).

What they say:  *in a meme caption* “Who can relate girls?!” and loads of crying laughing and emojis.

What they mean: “Please tag someone in this, I need Facebook engagement or brands are going to stop sending me shit.”

What they say: “Thanks for all the kind messages.”

What they mean: “Stop writing to me, I’m not going to text back.”

What they say: “I’m working on something really exciting at the moment, but I can’t tell you what it is yet!”

What they mean: “Seriously, shut the fuck up writing to me.”

What they say: “Snaps closed for the evening guys!”

What they mean: “For the love and honour of God, please stop messaging me.”

What they say: “Sorry for being so MIA on Snapchat today!”

What they mean: “Acknowledge my absence BETTER peasants.”

What they say: “I just wanted to come on to say, really quickly …”

What they mean: “I’m contractually obligated to mention this brand initiative and I didn’t realise the bollacking time.”

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