WE’RE A WELCOMING country. Just with certain rules, is all.

Anywhere else, these things would be totally reasonable. But in Ireland? Forget it, pal.

1. Saying ‘No’ to a cup of tea… and meaning it

Flickr/bazadwalker

In other countries, whether you’ll have tea is simply a matter of whether you want tea.

In Ireland, declining a cup of tea is a bitter test of strength and willpower that will leave you exhausted and spent. And with a cup of tea at your elbow.

2. Describing yourself as ‘from’ somewhere you’ve lived for 20 years

Flickr/Matt J Newman

Oh, your wan at the house with the big porch? No, she’s not from round here at all.

3. ‘It’s raining, so we might as well give up on this beach picnic’

Flickr/Rich Renomeron

The. Picnic. Must. Go. On.

4. Accepting a compliment

Flickr/miguev-maps

This old thing? Had it years. God bless Penneys. Oh Lord no. Made a hames of it. Didn’t do a tap of preparation. I look like an old hag.

Etc.

5. Refusing to meet up with your mother’s cousin’s son’s daughter

Flickr/louiscrusoe

AKA a total stranger. Just because you you both happen to be in Dublin/London/Cardiff/Planet Earth at the same time.

6. Applying the correct amount of suncream on the first day of your holiday

Flickr/dangermain

“I’ll get a burn, and then it’ll turn to tan.”

7. Declining drink in a pub

Flickr/Simon Cocks

Without making elaborate excuses to your hurt-looking friends. Usually involving antibiotics, pregnancy or both.

8. Ending a phone conversation with a single ‘Bye’

Flickr/photoloni

Sure you’d hardly know it was over. Best to be sure.

Bye now. Bye. Bye bye bye. Good man. Bye.

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