FESTIVALS ARE MANKY.

Place thousands of revellers together, with no meaningful sanitation, and it’s a recipe for smells that seem thick enough to swallow.

Don’t get us wrong – music festivals are brilliant, but fore-warned is fore-armed. Forget the standard tips and tricks, here’s the cheat sheet that’ll ensure you stay one (muddy) step ahead of the horde.

1. Six green bottles, standing on the wall

Bring extra normal-sized bottle caps (off water bottles and the like). A lot of food concession places at festivals will remove caps before they give you a drink – not handy if you want to screw it back on and move around or keep it for later. Keep your own stash.

Source: Flickr/Steven Depolo

2. The long drop of the law

Soak a hanky in perfume or cologne before the festival and stow it away. Now place that mother over your mug before you enter the pit toilets. Breathe deep. And DON’T LOOK DOWN.

SCREAAAAMMM Source: whiper

3. Plug in baby

Ear plugs at festivals perform two functions – they’ll help you sleep while some eejits are careening around the campsite at night, and also protect your ears from the loud music during the day. As essential as baby wipes and hand sanitiser, but oft forgotten. Cheers ears.

Source: imgarcade

4. Hands free kit

The petition to bring back bum bags (#BRINGBACKBUMBAGS) starts here. Seriously, though, a money belt or “fanny pack” is deadly for festivals. Shove in your cash, phone, valuables, hand sanitiser and packet of tissues. You won’t lose a thing and your arms are free to wave around the air, like you just don’t care.

Source: Imgur

5. Comfort is king

Air mattresses are a well-known weapon to seasoned, battle-scarred festival goers. But what about… floor tiles? Bear with us. Basically, foam floor tiles are ideal as a boost to your ground sheet.

Seems like effort, agreed, but come back to us after three nights and tell us it doesn’t make a big difference.

Source: A Little Campy

6. One hand in my pocket

Bring a bumper load of pocket tissues rather than rolls of toilet paper. And why? Well, have you ever done the walk of absolute shame to the toilet area in front of hooting, hollering, jeering fellow campers? Just bring the discreet pocket tissues.

TRUST US.

Source: Flickr/Brian

7. Wrap it up

Get a micro-fibre blanket. They’re absorbent (hey, just in case), lightweight, warm and also can be thrown over your tent to keep out the rays and keep it cool.

Source: Alice Rosen

Source: Alice Rosen

8. And finally…

For the love of God, don’t bring an acoustic guitar. Don’t be that guy.

Source: Flickr/Real Michael

Read: 9 reasons that being at home is better than Electric Picnic>

Read: 8 people who really wish they were still at a music festival>