SURE LOOK, WE’RE trying our best. We may say one thing, but we mean another.
We say:
1. It wouldn’t be for me now
We mean:
That is abominable, offensive, disgusting, unforgivable… but I can’t judge you out loud in case you turn your freakish attentions to me. Please stop looking at me.
2. It’s not ideal
I wish, with all my might, strength, hopes, dreams, that this didn’t happen. Basically, we’re all f*cked, but I’m worried about how you’ll react if I admit that.
3. Don’t worry, it’s grand
It’s SO not grand, it’s actually hard to put into words how not grand it is. So instead, I’m going to brush you off and resent you for it for the rest of our natural lives.
4. Ah I’m not too bad
My constant state is ‘bad’, but when you ask me how I am, I don’t want to put a downer on things. So, I’m bad, but not TOO bad, thanks.
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5. You’ll pass all those exams now, please God
Literally the only chance you have at passing is if God himself comes down to earth and miraculously does the test for you.
6. And what does her mammy think of that?
Her ma is terribly ashamed of her, isn’t she?
7. Thanks – to a bus driver
Ye feckin’ dope, you missed my stop and swerved around the corner so hard a granny fell out of her seat. Fortunately for you, I physically can’t walk past you without saying it.
8. We must grab a pint and catch up soon
I’m going to walk off now, please don’t contact me again.
9. I will, yeah
I definitely will not. Jog on.
10. Ah sure, this is it
The world is fecked.
11. Sorry – someone just bumped into you
I’m not sorry at all, I just don’t feel right touching off someone and not saying anything.
12. Sure I’ll let you go
You’ve been keeping me for quite enough time now, I have things to do and you’d talk for Ireland. BYE.
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