1. Why, in a country where it rains so much, does nobody own a decent raincoat?
Picture the scene: It’s lashing rain and all around the streets of Ireland people are pelting from doorway to doorway, wrapping bits of denim jackets and useless cardigans around themselves.
In offices people sit miserable at their desks, feet soaked in street juice, hair drying in mad shapes, considering placing themselves under the handdryer for twenty minutes.
It rains so much here. Would we not just buy a decent coat/rain gear/boots?
2. Or a decent umbrella for that matter?
Anything more than €5 for an umbrella is daylight robbery. Everyone knows that. And the big ones you get free? Worth more than gold. GOLD! God forbid you might splash out on one though.
3. And why, in a country where so very many of us are pale-skinned, do we allow ourselves to sunburn?
“IT’S NOT BURNED, IT’S COLOUR. IT WILL TURN TO TAN.”
4. And why are we so PROUD of the sunburn
“Look at the mark there. Where my watch was. Look at that.”
4. Why would we prefer to eat an awful meal instead of sending it back cos we don’t want to be trouble, then gripe about it afterwards?
“Ohh it’s lovely now thanks now can we have a bit more water?”
“Did you see the size of that chicken breast? I’ve seen bigger breasts on a shrew.”
5. What’s in the water in Cavan?
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6. Why must we fetishise tea?
Broken leg? Lovely cup of tea.
Broken heart? Lovely cup of tea
Too hot? Lovely cup of tea.
Too cold? Lovely cup of tea.
7. Why must we borderline criminalise people who don’t drink tea?
Ah go on you will have a cup.
You don’t drink it?
What do you have in the mornings?
What do you have with biscuits?
Is it all hot drinks?
What’s wrong with you at all?
8. Why are we always late?
“Just leaving now!” – there’s only five minutes left in this episode of Reeling in the Years and then I’ll get in the shower.
“On the bus” – In a towel, sitting on the bed.
“I’ll be there by 9.30″ – I’ll see you around 11. I’ll be plastered because I have a naggin and half a bottle of Rosé in the house.
9. Why don’t we eat more fish? We’re on an island surrounded by them
Alright so some Irish people eat fish, but a whole lot of us are suspicious of our watery friends. Unless they’re breaded, frozen, and eaten with at least one gas impression of the “FYYYLING CEEYABINET” man.
10. Why don’t we trust non drinkers?
If you’re not pregnant or on antibiotics, what’s wrong with you at all?
11. Why do we still bless ourselves when we see a church? Or an ambulance?
You haven’t been to mass in 17 years, yet the sound of a siren or the sight of a crucifix has your hand whipping uselessly about your forehead and shoulders.
“NameUddaFarderAndUhTheSonAndUhDehHolySpirrtAmen”
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