EVERY WEEKDAY MORNING, we dig through the celebrity dirt to bring you the best of it. Here’s The Dredge…

Kristen Stewart has insisted that the relationship between herself and Robert Pattinson is “totally fine”, presumably in an angry voice accompanied by a silent purse-lipped stare. (Perez)

One of the totally-fine things is that Kristen has become “obsessed” with the stuffed animals that Robert gave her during their relationship, which she “can’t be without” and reportedly brings on tour to film festivals. (The Sun)

On the plus side, the toys will have plenty of room to play in her big new house. (Perez)

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The Words

Devastated: How Tom Cruise felt in 2004 after being ditched by his ideal woman and name-twin Penelope Cruz, who was miffed that the Church of Scientology was a “third wheel” in their relationship. All that talk of Thetans and Xenu “wasn’t her cup of tea”, apparently. (Radar)

We’re guessing by Tom Cruise has just mentioned Xenu in this photo (ITSUO INOUYE/AP/Press Association Images)

Fashion, family, Beyoncé’s baby: What Kim Kardashian and Beyoncé talk about together, according to sources. Because they’re actually great friends and totally don’t despise each other, as previously reported everywhere. Which may be a comfort for Kim after a disastrous club appearance in North Carolina at which fewer than 50 people turned up. (TMZ, Mail Online)

L-R: Beyoncé, Beyoncé’s favourite topic of conversation (AP Photo/Ed Burke for Beyonce.com)

Weird vampire: What Simon Cowell says he turned into under the pressures of life as the emperor of X Factor and manager of a stable of impressionable popstars, according to a forthcoming biography. Cowell reportedly took to his bed for a week, complaining: “I desperately need peace.” (The Sun)

The dawn! It breaks! (Ian West/PA Wire/Press Association Images)

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The Dirt

Ryan Reynolds and Gossip Girl star Blake Lively have married in secret, accompanied by a “DJ who spun tunes”. (People)

Brian McFadden’s no-show best man Kyle Sandilands wasn’t drunk, OK? He just had a migraine. (Irish Sun)

Jay-Z changes his baby’s nappies like a rap mogul. (People)

Ronan Keating went on a night out with Geri Halliwell, Emma Bunton, Melanie Cand Kylie Minogue. Also, the 1990s called and they want their celebrities back. (Mirror)

Victoria Beckham couldn’t go because she was busy:

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The Barrel Scraper

Oh. (Mail Online)

Friday’s Dredge: Prince Harry’s kiss-and-tell is in jail now>