DEAR READER, I must confess that – like the people in the following video – I have never seen or read Harry Potter.

Here is my attempt at describing it:

• It’s about an orphan with a magic scar on his head
• He goes to boarding school with his sister (?) Hermione and his pal whose name I can’t remember. The red haired lad
• The red haired lad possibly gets it on with Hermione at some stage
• There’s a jack russell that lives under the stairs
• There’s a bad guy called Voldemort that looks a bit like a lemon with nostrils. You’re not supposed to say his name out loud
• There are screaming plants
• You say “wingardium scadavosa” to make a spell
• Gandalf teaches at the school
• There are different houses in the school and people are are allocated to the houses depending on how sound they are? Or what kind of spells they make?
• Somebody dies at the end. Harry maybe? The red haired lad?
• There’s a magic owl belonging to Dame Maggie Smith

There, that seems about right, doesn’t it?

Now listen to these people have a go:

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