APPLE ARE DUE to make a major announcement tonight, and it’s widely expected to be the newest iPhone.

There have been reports the new model will include an inbuilt fingerprint scanner, among other changes. But we say: meh.

Here’s how Apple could really give you a helping hand:

Parental Call Blocker

Source: Shutterstock

Filters all calls from your parents, and blocks any where they’re about to pester you over when you’re coming home next.

Instead they will simply receive a message informing them that yes you are eating well, and no you do not require advice on when to turn the heating on.

Voicemail Preventer

Source: spDuchamp

All voicemail is replaced an automated sarcastic message telling callers: “Hi, you’ve reached Michael Freeman’s voicemail. This should be a great way to contact him in the year 2013 – that is if you’ve already tried sending a fax and PM’ing him on Myspace.”

Instead of beeping, it would then endlessly repeat JUST SEND A TEXT – JUST SEND A TEXT – JUST SEND A TEXT until the caller (ie your parents) hangs up.

Emergency Heli-Phone

Source: DvdOuden

When you’re lying in bed and accidentally drop your phone on your face, tiny rotors instantly extend from the back so it hovers gently in the air rather than painfully colliding with your eye socket.

This would also work for those times when you get your phone out of your trouser pocket and somehow manage to fling it on the floor in the process. (Just me? Oh.)

Embarrassing Selfie Alarm

Source: Heavy

Sounds an alert if you are trying to look all hot in a selfie for your new profile photo, and it’s about to be ruined by something in the background/a reflection in the mirror/your friends being ‘gas’.

In future editions this could also be refined to prevent accidental Extreme Duckface.

Toilet Guard

Source: Vimeo

Working in conjunction with the Heli-Phone feature, this locks your handset any time you approach a toilet bowl, rendering it unusable. This protects you from both (a) dropping your phone in the jacks, and also (b) having to overhear people having conversations in the next cubicle while answering the call of nature.

However, once you’ve sat down safely, you WILL be able to play Angry Birds.

Drunk Dial Distractor

Source: eliduke

When you try and call or text after several beverages, your new iPhone simply shuts itself down and plays a slideshow of soothing images of kittens:

Source: Imgur

Source: Imgur

Source: Imgur

Now, isn’t that better?

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