IS THE NEWS getting you down? Current affairs causing a frown? Satirical site The Mire has an alternative angle on the week’s hot topics…

Monday, 1 October

Taoiseach puts world to rights, world doesn’t listen

Taoiseach Enda Kenny has told EU leaders they must stand by their decision to ease Ireland’s banking debt.

In a wide-ranging speech Mr Kenny also called on North and South Korea to unite and America to abandon the death penalty.

“Furthermore,” he said. “God should improve the weather with immediate effect and Donegal should treat Sam Maguire with a bit of decorum.”

Mr Kenny then paid €1 billion to AIB’s unsecured bondholders.

TDs encouraged to stay at home to cut costs

Ireland could need a new economic bailout if TDs insist on turning up for work. According to TheJournal.ie TDs and Senators were paid €764,101.84 in parliamentary allowances for attending Leinster House for 2.4 days in August.

“If they turned up five days a week we’d be broke,” an economist said. “We’d have to tap up the IMF again.”

“Please don’t go to work,” he begged TDs. “Stay at home, watch daytime tellt, play amongst yourselves.”

Tuesday, 2 October

Teachers to learn to curb their disruptive behaviour

Teachers may need to receive special training in order to curb their disruptive behaviour at school, according to an advisory group to the Minister for Education.

At least one teacher in every school should receive training in how to manage their behaviour.

“They come in after having the summer off and they can hardly sit still,” a primary school pupil said.

“The next thing you know it’s Halloween and they are hyper again. It’s impossible to get any work done.”

Fat athletes could be eating too many Chinese takeaways

Fat athletes have discovered the error of their ways after a study by Safefood revealed that Chinese takeaways are high in calories.

The study found that an average meal consisting of vegetable spring rolls, sweet and sour chicken and egg fried rice contained 2184 calories.

“No wonder I was finding training so difficult,” a morbidly obese marathon runner said.

It is thought that the Sports Council may advise athletes in training to reduce their daily intake of Chinese takeaways as a result of the findings.

Wednesday, 3 October

Barroso orders extra party bags as Cabinet goes to Brussels

The President of the European Commission José Manuel Barroso has had to send out for extra party bags after the Taoiseach decided to take the Tánaiste and nine Cabinet Ministers to Brussels with him today.

“We’ll need more balloons, more nuggets, more chips and more party bags,” Mr Barroso said.

Informed that several of the ministers could be petulant and might not eat nuggets, Mr Barroso said he would distract them.

“We have shiny things and yo-yos,” he said. “It will be fine.”

Thursday, 4 October

Govt suspects Reilly is a member of the opposition

Senior members of the Coalition Government have reached the conclusion that Health Minister Dr James Reilly is a member of the opposition.

“We’ve asked the Taoiseach to set up a committee to look into it,” a source said. “Nothing else could reasonably explain his behaviour.”

The surprising turn of events came after months of blunders by Dr Reilly led to suspicions that he was a member of Fianna Fáil intent on bringing down the government.

“He could be a Shinner either,” the source said. “There was a time when they all had beards.”

Friday, 5 October

Balbriggan and Swords favoured for new children’s hospital

Balbriggan and Swords have emerged as possible locations for the new national children’s hospital.

The surprise inclusion of the two towns in Health Minister Dr James Reilly’s Dublin North constituency has not surprised anyone.

“I’m only surprised we didn’t think of them before,” a Department of Health source said.

“It will fit in nicely with the new primary care centres.”

Meanwhile, unconfirmed reports suggest that plans to move the Department of Health to Rush and Lusk are at an advanced stage.

Read previous weeks’ editions of The Mire’s Not the News>