IS THE NEWS getting you down? Current affairs causing a frown? Satirical site The Mire has an alternative angle on the week’s hot topics…

RTÉ reopens London office for royal baby birth

Monday, 22 July

RTÉ reopened its London office this morning in anticipation of the birth of the royal baby after the Duchess of Cambridge was admitted to hospital. The office will be staffed by all the RTÉ journalists who went to Rome to see the Pope for the papal conclave.

The journalists have received intensive training from the Communications Clinic to help them differentiate between a pope and a baby.

“Closing the London office was always a decision that we were willing to revisit if something momentous happened,” an RTE spokesman said.

Diplomatic incident as royal baby offered place in Irish creche

Tuesday, 23 July

A major diplomatic incident has developed between Ireland and the UK after the royal baby was offered a place in an Irish creche.

Taoiseach Enda Kenny was quick to apologise for the affront and called on Children’s Minister Frances Fitzgerald to hold an immediate investigation. It is understood that the offer of a creche place was a misguided gift.

The Government immediately withdrew the offer and promised only to place Irish children in Irish creches in future.

A spokesman for UNICEF sighed.

Public clamour for Seanad to discuss pornography

Wedneday, 24 July

In a sign that the Irish people might want to retain the Seanad there has been a call for it to debate curbing online pornography.

Communications Minister Pat Rabbitte said he is willing to consider restricting access to internet porn after British prime minister David Cameron announced plans to do so in the UK.

The Mire was immediately inundated with calls from members of the public insisting the Seanad should investigate the issue.

“This is too good an opportunity to miss,” a man from Kinnegad said. “Watching and shouting about porn is perfect for the Seanad.”

HSE says lighten up and have a laugh

Thursday, 25 July

A spokesman for the HSE has said they can’t understand why people don’t  laugh at the disastrous mistakes in Crumlin Hospital.

The hospital admitted mistakenly telling 18 families that their children may have been contaminated by a bug found on hospital equipment.

It has now said that seven other children have been told that they may have been infected by bacteria on the contaminated scope.

Taoiseach could offer John Perry a seat in the Seanad

Friday, 26 July

Fine Gael is deeply divided over what to do with debt-riddled Junior Minister John Perry.

Taoiseach Enda Kenny is believed to favour throwing Mr Perry a lifeline by offering him a seat in the Seanad.

However, senior figures in the party believe Mr Perry could be a talisman for the party and austerity Ireland.

“Who better to represent our small businesses than a man who can’t pay his way?” a party source said.

“He has the Debt Factor just like James Reilly. They can do no wrong.”

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