1. Go on Instagram deep stalks
You just mean to pop onto Instagram for five minutes, tops. You just want to see if anyone’s had any delicious eggs benedict in the past few hours, and what Khloe Kardashian’s been up to today.
Cut to three hours later, and you’re on your ex boyfriend’s new girlfriend’s friend’s cousin’s daughter’s page, wondering where she got the money to go to Barbados on holidays and WHEN did she meet Niall Horan?
And then of course there’s the problematic ‘likes’…
2. Hate-follow people on Twitter and give out about them to your friends
There’s only one thing more annoying than the people you love to hate on Twitter: being told “you know there’s an unfollow button if they annoy you that much?”.
I ONLY FOLLOW THEM SO I CAN HATE-READ THEIR HUMBLEBRAGS AND DISS THEIR MOULDY #CLEANEATS LUNCHES TO MY COLLEAGUES OK?
3. Decide that LinkedIn stalk is totally worth it
LinkedIn rats you out when you stalk someone. Like, you can log out if you want, but then you run the risk of the stalk being completely fruitless.
Sometimes though, it’s just worth it.
4. Go dark on Spotify
Want to listen to that new Justin Bieber banger, but don’t want anyone to know about it? That’s what Private Session on Spotify is for my friends.
You can keep up that illusion of only ever listening to John Grant, The Gloaming and some Chic classics, while really listening to Bieber and his pan pipes.
5. Look at your own pictures or tweets and imagine how they look to other people
Does it look like you’re having the Time Of Your Life? Good. Are you maybe the Funniest Person Alive? Excellent.
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6. Try to ascertain who took that Facebook picture of your ex. Or who those strangers are
Does it look like she’s smiling lovingly at a new beau? That COW.
Who are those people he’s with? Whose birthday is it? WHY HAVE YOU NEVER MET THOSE PEOPLE?
7. Composing tweets to tweet later
Got a zinger but afraid it won’t garner the faves and RTs it deserves? That’s what the Drafts folder is for.
8. Photo treachery
Got a pic where you look hot as f**k but your friend looks like a moose? That’s a moral dilemma right there, and one where we’ve all come down on the side as ‘hot as f**k’ more than once.
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9. Untagging
Sometimes it’s just got to be done.
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