EVERY MORNING, we dig through the celebrity dirt to bring you the best of it. Here’s The Dredge:

Simon Cowell brought his trademark hard-to-impress attitude to a fellow yacht owner’s sailing skills, personally saving nine people from a sinking boat while on holiday in St Tropez.

The X Factor svengali hoisted up his trousers and sailed to the rescue after receiving a mayday call, before presumably delivering some caustic remarks. (Mirror)

Meanwhile back on the set of US X Factor, his fellow judge Britney Spears was doing some rescuing of her own. Which is to say, rescuing herself from the company of “pretty or stylish” women. (Daily Star)

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The Words

Cigarette: The item shared and presumably enjoyed by Brian McFadden and Vogue Williams after their “secret” wedding, which is revealed in no fewer than three newspapers today. Perhaps they couldn’t afford a smoke each after spending a reported €200,000 on the coming weekend of celebrations in Italy. (Irish Daily Mirror, Irish Daily Star, Irish Sun)

Burger: The delicious treat that was the undoing of Cheryl Cole and Will.i.am, whose car crash occurred on the way to McDonalds as they were seized with the 3.30am munchies. They both suffered something called a “split nose”, which sounds nasty. (The Sun)

So alluring… but so dangerous (Steve White/The Canadian Press/Press Association Images)

Pint: What Robert Pattinson apparently longs for, trapped in the soulless human wasteland that is Hollywood. He’s reportedly considering moving back to London where he can just be a “regular guy”. But if it’s any consolation, he gets so much mail that it has its own room. (Radar, Daily Star)

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The Dirt

Lady GaGa unhingedly screamed “Let me in” at the locked door of her hotel, although doors aren’t sentient. (HuffPo)

Adele either definitely is or definitely isn’t actually married, depending on whether you listen to her or a “wedding guest”. (Mail Online, The Sun)

Steven Seagal is probably wishing he could judo chop his giant tax bill. But he can’t, because it exists independently of the physical world. (TMZ)

Don’t cry on us now, but Jersey Shore has been cancelled. Luckily, it was “fricken INSANE”. (E! Online)

Kim Kardashian is reportedly trying to “shrink her famous derriere”. But her technique may be questionable. (Mail Online)

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The Barrel Scraper

Peter Andre: Coffee Shop King. (Mail Online)